Undisclosed Desires
by infinity-witch
Summary: Natasha's time in the Red Room and how she fell for Bucky. Covers what happens after she defects and until she comes face to face with Bucky again. Buckynat/WinterWidow with BlackHawk and Romanogers.
1. Chapter 1

**Author note: For this story it will primarily be built up of one shot that will be in chronological order. There may be a few instances where the next chapter will be a direct continuation of the previous chapter. Also, this will follow the MCU timeline and events but with some bits from the comic world as well but more so the MCU. This is a Buckynat/WinterWidow fanfic but there will be hints of Romanogers as well as BlackHawk and of course her brief relationship with Bruce. So I hope you guys enjoy. Please leave reviews if you enjoyed it!**

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It was early morning and Natalia and the rest of the girls were already awake and geared up for their day of training. Madame B. had told them that there would be a surprise for them today and to bring their best. They always had to bring their "best", nothing else would be accepted. Even at the age of six years old Natalia knew to never half ass anything here and if she did the punishment she would face would make her wish she gave it her all. Natalia, now fifteen years of age, always gave above and beyond. She wanted nothing more than to be _the _Black Widow. The one who can take down her enemies without batting an eye, complete a mission and make it looks effortless, to leave everyone astounded by her skills and abilities. This also meant not making friends here, which wasn't hard to do. None of the other girls were really here for friendships either, they were all merely raised together and trained together. Nothing bonded them besides just coexisting in this dark cold mansion. You never know who will betray you.

All the girls filed down the stairs and made their way to the training room per usual morning routine. They wore their white t-shirts and black tights with their hair pulled back into pony tails. They stood around the large room that would look normal to any other person. It had floor tiles and wall paneling that you would expect in and old mansion and big curtains to frame the large windows that let the grey Russian sunshine in. Natalia looked around to examine anything that would give away their possible surprise. Nothing gave it away until Madame B. followed by a couple male workers entered the room. The older woman stood in front of the girls with her blonde hair pulled into a bun as usual, wearing her standard blazer and skirt and red lipstick. She looked like a head mistress or a any other business woman. But she was way more than that. She was everything Natalia wanted to be.

"Good morning girls," She smiled. "Today we have a surprise for you as you know. This surprise will help better you and give you the challenge you need in combat." Natalia was still wondering what she could be talking about. It was a mix of interest and a little bit of nerves. You never really knew what they were going to throw at you here.

"So, I will get right to it. Bring him in." She motioned towards the two men who had walked in with her. They walked out the room for just a moment and reappeared with another man. But he wasn't like them. He was a bit taller for one, but the look he had on his face was blank and expressionless. Natalia also noticed that his left arm was in fact metal with a red star printed on the shoulder. He had dark brown hair that was cut short and looked like he actually styled it. He wasn't too bad looking, Natalia thought to herself but soon shook the thought from her her.

"Girls, this is James. He will be helping you train in combat." Madame B. continued. "James is very well trained and will be pushing you to your limits. I expect you to put your best forward and to grow. So let us begin then, shall we?" She smiled and nodded at James.

"Katya, you're up first." Natalia watched as the ice blonde stepped forward with a look of determination on her face. Katya took some steps towards James who gave no indication on what he would do. Natalia watched as Katya got close up and made it look as if she was going to land a blow towards his stomach but faked it out and went for his face. He barely flinched and caught her fist in his metal hand and flipped her down to the ground in one swift motion. Natalia could hear the wind get knocked out the girl who was now gasping for breath. Madame B. called girl after girl to take on their new teacher and each one was bested by him. Natalia watched and tried to observe any weak points or advantages she could have.

"Natalia, you're next." Madame B. called her with a smile.

There was no denying that she had become somewhat of a favorite to her. Natalia stepped forward and brought herself just a couple feet in front of her target. She eyed him carefully as he just stared back with his dark green eyes. She had a plan in mind now. She gave a small grin to her opponent before she made her move. Natalia threw one fist out, he caught and grabbed hold of it like she hoped he would. When he went to flip her like he had one prior she moved her body with the flip and landed back on her feet and landed a punch to his face which stunned him only for a moment but enough time for her to kick him in the center to send him stumbling back a few feet. She ran and leaped hooking a leg over one of his shoulder and one around his torso. She brought an elbow down a couple times onto his head as he struggled to grab a hold of her. Once he did, he threw her and sent her flying towards a wall. Natalia rolled with it and landed back on her feet in a crouching position. They both toward each other, she ducked and slid between his legs turning around and striking a blow to his side. He turned around and grabbed hold of her arm, bending it behind he back. Natalia, not wanting to lose this quickly like the other girls, took a chance and kicked her legs up. Using the momentum of the kick flipped her behind him and she continued the momentum and pulled him with her landing him on his back. However, he was smarter and pulled her down with him. She was laying beside him and acted quickly bringing elbow into his side while he struck her in the face. She rolled to straddle him and land a punch to his face before he flipped them over and was on top of her pinning her arms down.

"Well done Natalia, sloppy, but well done you lasted the longest." Madame B. clapped. James stood up and Natalia followed suit. "Now, I hope this showed you girls how much work you still need. You may think you are strong and quick. But you are not. Not while there are bigger and quicker opponents out there." Madame B. looked on at the girls who looked exhausted and some even had bloody noses. "Now, enough of this. Go get cleaned up for your dance lessons." The girls were dismissed and they started walking out, Natalia was almost to the door when Madame B. placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Natalia, you did very good." She smiled. "I think James has a lot to teach you and I want you to start training with him for an hour after all your other lessons starting tomorrow."

"Yes Madame." She nodded. "I appreciate the extra lesson."

"Good." She smiled and took her hand off the red head's shoulder. Natalia walked out of the room feeling excited for the new challenge brought before her. She new she would be the best Black Widow they have ever seen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author note: This will be sort of slow building. Not a lot will happen right off the bat, which is expected for how young she is when we meet her. But please be patient and if you have any tips or suggestions I am always open to them.**

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Natalia had been training with James for a few months now and it had paid off. When it came to her regular fighting lessons she was more excelled than the other girls were now. Was it unfair to them? Perhaps, but she knew she had the potential to be the best and her superiors saw that too. She felt honored to have the opportunity to better her skills and she would always take it. Her sessions with James were awkward at first. He was brand new to her unlike Ivan who had been her handler since she first came here. She didn't know much about him and he didn't say much if it didn't pertain to her training. She didn't mind, she isn't here to make friends. But there was something about him that made him different from the others. He wasn't demanding and cold like the others nor did he threaten her with different punishments if she didn't get something right. He worked with her and showed her the right and wrong ways, took his time with her until she got it all down right. Maybe it was because he was quite a bit younger than the rest of the instructors here. He looked like he could be in his 20s but the way he talked made him sound older at times.

"Again Natalia." James stated. Natalia fired three rounds with the pistol in her right hand and it let go mid air to switch to her left hand. The direction of her aim faltered slightly at the switch up and she grew frustrated with herself. Since her combat training was going well, they decided to have James train her with firearms as well. Which she was pretty excited about since he was a sniper at some point in his life, according to Ivan, and he had great skills. Today was Saturday which meant they had no lessons to be at but they had to be working on something be it something physical or something mental, it also meant she could wear the loose fitting t-shirt and her favorite leggings rather than a uniformed outfit. Natalia chose to work on firearms and James had volunteered to help her even though it was a day off for him. They were in a part of the basement that they used as a sort of shooting range and she was grateful for the jacket she brought with her. The shooting range was mostly gray and concrete which made it feel colder than it really was.

"Just breathe." He reminded. "Here, set it down and stretch for a minute. You're thinking to hard about it." She set the gun down on the table in front of her and stared off in the distance at the target sheet. Most of the shots fired were in the center but you could tell when she switched hands.

"I'm never going to get this perfect and it is killing me." She exasperated. Normally she would never say things like this out loud and especially not in front of a superior, but James was different. He was starting to feel like a peer which was new territory for her. She was feeling comfortable around him and she never let herself get comfortable around _anyone_. It leaves you vulnerable and that is something she can never be.

"We only started working on switching hands this week. It isn't meant to be easy." He reassured her. "If it was, well then the others would be learning it too." He remarked. She sighed and stretched her arms out. Natalia knew he was right, but she didn't like that she hadn't mastered this yet. "So shake it off and let's try again." Natalia nodded and picked the gun back up in her hand as he switched the target sheet out for a new one. She reloaded and took a few breaths before focusing. "Now, this time I want you to keep switching back until you run out of bullets, okay?" He instructed. "Even if you mess up." Natalia nodded as she raised her right hand and aimed. Three shots. Switch. Mild falter. Three shots. Switch. Perfect. Three shots. Switch. Faltered again. She continued until she was done and set the gun down and exhaled loudly.

"It's your left hand." James stated. "Your right handed and you aren't as confident with your left. That's okay, we'll make you comfortable with it and this will be as easy as breathing for you." He walked over to the target sheet, taking it down and hanging a new one. She always took moments like this to study him as if she would find out something about him by just looking at the little things. He tends to wear dark t-shirts and dark cargo pants and always black boots, this has never changed in the six months she has roughly known him. His dark brown shag of hair that fell just below his jaw never seemed to change length. She doubted he got haircuts just to keep it right where it fell. James had started to walk back over to her as she put the thoughts of him aside for now. "Are you ready to go again." He inquired.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked instead of answering his question. He raised a brow, curious to what it is she wants to know.

"Depends on the something." He stated as he leaned on the metal table in front of them. Natalia chewed her lip for a second, debating on how to word what she wanted to know.

"Why are you so different than the others?" She asked hoping it wouldn't make him mad.

"What do you mean?" He responded, studying the young red head in front of him. Natalia struggled to find the right words in her head and decided to just go for it. He never has been one to just be aggressive in conversation. Not with her at least.

"What I mean is that you seem to not be as...cold...as some of the other instructors here. You don't berate us, strike us, or give punishment if we mess up or don't do something precise." She explained. "You're not bright and cheerful, but you aren't like them."

James sat with this for a minute, his forest green eyes focusing on an answer before responding. "I care if you guys get it wrong or right, so don't think that I don't." He stated. "I also care to find out why you don't get it right. Find the reason out the reason and try to fix it. Especially you Natalia, you are so advanced and have the discipline to be a great spy. My job is to make you the best you can be." Natalia wasn't sure what kind of answer she was expecting to hear from him, but it wasn't quite that. But she can appreciate that he thought she would make a great spy. She was also grateful that he answered her instead of ignoring her or getting upset by the question. "Now, why don't we get back to making you more comfortable with that left hand."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note: I wasn't quite sure how to go about this chapter, it was more of a stepping stone that I had to take. We will be seeing a little more progression in their relationship soon though.**

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November 22nd. It was Natalia's sixteenth birthday. Nothing special would be done, nothing special was ever done for any of the girls' birthdays. It was just a regular day of training, ballet lessons, practicing a language, learning how to better use a weapon. Nothing to celebrate. So it was no wonder why she was surprised to find that James had told her he got her something. Their relationship had grown somewhat into a interesting friendship. They didn't talk about personal things nor did they have real in depth conversations, everything was on the topic of training and other things pertaining to the Red Room.

"Now, I know you won't be able to keep this in your dorm so I will hold onto it." He went on. "When we practice shooting this will be yours specifically. It's a Makarov, it's a favorite of mine and I think you will take quite a liking to it." He explained and handed the pistol to her. Natalia examined the pistol in her hand and felt quite surprised and flattered that he had gotten something for her. No one had ever gotten her something for her birthday since she came here and her memories before she came to the Red Room are so blurred that she can't rely on them.

"I don't know what to say, thank you James." She responded still in somewhat disbelief. "No one has ever given me anything before." She remarked as she admired the pistol in her hands. She didn't notice James smile subtly at her surprised reaction to her gift.

"Well you deserve it Natalia." He assured her. "You have overcome a few challenges and have some impressive skills with guns." She felt so awkward receiving this and didn't really know the appropriate way to respond.

"How did you know it was my birthday?" She asked looking up from the fire arm in her hand to the man in front of her.

"As an instructor I know a lot of things about you all and since I am giving you exclusive lessons I know just about everything about you specifically."

"Oh yeah, like what?" She challenged him.

"Well for one," He began, taking the challenge, "your birthday and that you are sixteen today. You came here when you were only six years old after your parents were killed in a house fire, early on you have always been quite a great deal better than your peers at the challenges they have thrown at you and that you have ambitions to be the greatest spy the Red Room has ever seen." He remarked with a sly smile. "Happy?"

"Well, that is quite a bit more than I know about you." She quipped, crossing her arms across her arms across her chest, mainly due to her feeling uncomfortable with the attention and partly due to her feeling somewhat cold wearing a sports bra as top in the cold basement. "Why don't we even the field?" She suggested to him as he rubbed the back of his neck and let out a sigh.

"Now that's a little complicated." He stated. Natalia raised a brow at his response.

"Complicated how?" She pressed. James looked as if he was struggling with his response, debating how to answer her. Or if he should answer her.

"Complicated as in I don't know much about myself. I know it sounds weird...but before all of this," He motioned to the general space they were standing in. "I don't have any recollection of a past. Sometimes I get fragments here and their like enough to make me believe that I am American and that I might have been in the army..." He trailed off and Natalia was trying to read his emotions. He was clenching his fist in frustration, at his memory or lack there of was hard to tell. "I think I was in the army in World War II but..."

"You're too young to have been in that war." Natalia interjected.

"I know, that why it's confusing." He agreed, his eyes looking into hers. "But that's what those memories lead me to, if they are factual I don't think I will ever know."

They stood there in silence for a few moments, taking in what he had shared. "I'm sorry." She whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

"It's okay. It isn't your fault I can't remember." He assured her. Let's make the best of this lesson, I won't be around for a couple days so we have to get as much done as we can for now."

"Where are you going?" She wondered out loud. He ran his non-metal hand over his face and placed his hands on his hips.

"I have some business to tend to." He said vaguely. She only became more curious.

"What kind of business and where?" She continued on, not caring if she was being out of line or not.

He let out a long exasperated sigh, "Just some business. I can't really say much more for now. I'll be back soon though, don't worry."

"I wasn't worried." She said slyly. James let out a small laugh. "Sure you weren't."

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Later on that night, Madame B. came to the dormitory where Natalia and the other girls slept. They were just getting ready to be handcuffed to their beds for the night when she came in with Ivan at by her side. "Natalia, come with us." Madame B. instructed, Natalia was curious with what they want with her this late in the night but she did as she was told and stood from her bed and walked towards the door to join them.

"We have something special for you, come now." They led her out of the dormitory and down the staircase, her nightgown flowing as she glided down the stairs. They were heading down towards the basement and Natalia felt herself growing nervous at what they had in store for her. Were they upset that James had given her a present? How could they know? They couldn't have known. The concrete floor felt like ice under her bare feet as they passed the door that led to the shooting range, her heart rate seemed to relax on the other hand that it wasn't about the gun. Only momentarily did she feel at ease, she realized they were leading her towards the lab where they create all sorts of things be it serums for interrogations, different kinds of medicines to help aid their sickness or injuries. Natalia had not been sick or injured enough to require any kind of aid. Were they going to interrogate her? She was about to find out as they opened the door and led her in.

"Lev, do you have it ready?" Ivan asked the Kudrin, who was somewhat of a doctor and scientist. "We have her here now." Natalia looked over to Kudrin who was busy with something in a vile. He was examining it and grabbed a syringe off the metal counter and began drawing up the contents. The needle looked thick and long and she suddenly felt faint. She didn't have a good feeling about what was to come her way. She looked over to Madame B. who didn't seem phased by anything going and was watching Kudrin as he flicked the syringe to clear any bubbles from it. There were beakers and flasks cluttering the counters as well as drawings of different compounds and formulations on the chalk boards.

"It is ready my friend, why don't you secure her. I won't be but a minute." Kudrin replied as he pushed out the extra air out of the syringe. Natalia got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and all of her instincts told her to get out of there. Before she knew it Ivan grabbed her by her arm and began leading her towards an exam table that had restraints attached to it. As soon as she put the pieces together she began trying to free her arm from Ivan's tight hold.

"Let me go!" She exclaimed as he dragged her towards the table.

"Hush Natalia, this is necessary. Now stop this." He demanded, she tried to plant her legs firmly to the ground but her feet just slid. Her adrenaline kicked in and she went into fight mode. Natalia stopped resisting and yanked her arm back from Ivan pulling him to face her as she headbutted him and brought her knee into his groin twice causing him to let go of her arm and crumple to the ground.

"Natalia come back here!" She heard Madame B. yell after her as she made it to the door. She only made it a few feet into the dimly lit hall when she felt someone pick her up from behind and throw her over their shoulder. Natalia kicked, hit, and even tried to bite to be let go until her fist hit what felt like a metal limb. She seized all fighting, shocked at the person who was carrying her back to only God knows what.

"James?" She asked, shocked that he was here. She thought he was supposed to be gone for a few days. "James let me go!" She pleaded to no avail. He didn't say a word as he brought her back to the lab and secured her to the exam table.

As he fastened the restraints to her wrist and ankles she could see something was different with him. His expression was blank and cold, like he had been replaced with someone else. Someone she didn't know.

"Thank you Barnes, you may go now." Kudrin thanked James and he promptly left the room. Natalia felt betrayed by what had happened, it was a cold reminder to herself to not let herself get comfortable around anyone.

"Natalia, we aren't going to hurt you my child." Madame B. suddenly appeared beside her. "We are going to better you, enhance you." Natalia didn't know what she meant by enhancing her, but she stopped fussing and laid still and quiet. This was out of her control and she didn't have a choice in the matter. Kudrin walked up the cold metal slab she was laying on, syringe in hand. He adjusted the lamp above her to his liking and cleared his throat.

"This is a serum that is going to benefit you in the long run." He explained. "Your body will be able to heal itself faster, leaving you immune to diseases that could potentially slow you down or harm you. You will be resistant to the effect of time and look younger for a much longer period of time." He talked about the serum like it was sent here by God himself.

"Your strength will increase and your agility will be even sharper!" He exclaimed, his eyes looking eager as he went on. "When I inject you with this, you will feel like every vein in your body is on fire and like your heart is going to explode." He warned. "I assure you it will not and you will be just fine."

Natalia just closed her eyes and nodded. She didn't want to see him inject her with this serum that sounded like it could kill her. She didn't want to think about what was to come after he inject her with it. She just tried to tell herself it was all just a bad dream. But she could feel the needle penetrate her skin as he pushed the syringe. It felt like pure fire had filled her veins and was spreading all over body. Her breathes became heavy and fast and her hear felt like it was going to overtime pumping. _I'm going to die of a heart_ _attack. _ She thought to herself. She could feel her limbs twitch with pain and she thought she could hear herself screaming. Then, it all went black


	4. Chapter 4

**Author note: This is gets a little bit more exciting. I'm hoping the next chapter or so will really dive in so stay tuned!**

It had been a couple weeks since Natalia had been injected with the serum and the first week she hardly remembers. All she knew was that they kept her in the hospital wing part of the mansion for observation. She would come to every now and again but not long enough to know what was happening to her. She remembers seeing Madame B. coming to her bedside and watching her and asking the medical staff questions. She has a memory that she isn't so sure is real. Madame B. was stoking her hair to the side, _"You did very good Natalia, I know you were unsure but you still followed though. You did good my little spider."_ Natalia wasn't sure if it really happened. Madame B. wasn't one to show affection, let alone give pet names to an of the girls. Her other memory, which also had to false, was of James sitting at her bedside. She thought she heard someone tell him he couldn't be back there and him reply something smart back to them. All a fog and all unreliable memories. Today was the first day she felt back to...normal. Or as close to normal as she could get. Madame B. had told her to take her time getting ready this morning and to dress in clothes fit for combat training. That she would be training with James today and to expect a harder session. She didn't know what that meant, but she assumed it had something to do with the serum and something to do with him having a bionic arm. She tool her time taking a shower, they were communal and this was the only time she had ever been in them alone so she savored every moment of alone time she had. After she dried her hair she went to her closet in the dormitory and pulled out a cropped black t-shirt and her black leggings, leaving her red locks of hair down. She laced up her shoes and ascended down the stairs to the room she and James normally trained in. This would be the first time she would be seeing him since he strapped her down to the table. She remember how off he had seemed. He was expressionless, silent, and cold. Like he was a robot. She had never seen him like that before and she didn't think she should ask about it. She intended to go into to this lesson getting down what she needed and nothing else. She won't banter with him or converse unless required of her.

"Natalia, nice of you to show up." James greeted her with a grin, he was dressed in a white t-shirt and dark gray jogger styled sweatpants. Natalia didn't smile as she entered the room.

"I didn't really have a choice, did I?'' She replied monotonously. "Now lets do this." James seemed confused by her lack of friendliness towards him but didn't let it linger. Instead he waved two other men into the room to join them.

"Well, since I have been informed you have been _enhanced_ to say the least," He worded it carefully," I think you may need a little bit more of a challenge. Misha and Alexei will be joining us today to help with that."

Natalia looked the men over, she has known them for some time as they normally assist in lessons like these.

"It's going to be you against us three to see how much you have improved." James explained. "If you find yourself trapped or overwhelmed tap out as we normally do. Ready?"

Natalia nodded as the three of them readied themselves. Misha made the first move of running towards her, Natalia ducked and slid between his legs making sure to land a punch towards his groin. He double over trying to catch his breath just as she popped back up. Alexei was up next as he started towards her, she took two strides jumping on Misha's back and launching herself at Alexei hooking her legs around his neck and slamming him towards the ground. Once she landed, her eyes met with James' eyes as he came at her ready to punch with his right arm. She quickly grabbed his fist and held it high while she punched him three times consistently in the sternum leaving him breathless. She kicked him down and felt someone grab her from behind pinning her arms to her sides. She was able break her arms free by thrusting them upwards and kicked back hitting her opponent in the stomach. She turned around to see both Misha and Alexei on the ground groaning. When she turned back around James was coming back at her. They threw back to back punches at each other some were blocked and some where landed. Finally Natalia gained the upper hand and was able to land to hard punches to his side and knee him in the face as he crumpled forward.

By the end of the session she only felt somewhat fatigued. She guessed it was a side effect from the serum they had put in her. Misha and Alexei had just stumbled out of the room, clearly regretting their choice to participate in today's lessons. Natalia was sitting on the floor chugging the contents of a water bottle when James plopped down next to her.

"You did great today, I didn't think the serum would have such a large effect on you since you were already great in combat." His compliment fell on deaf ears as she just finished her water and stood up.

"Is that all for today?" She asked hastily. James looked up at her, brow furrowed in confusion at her new tone with him.

"What's wrong?" He finally asked her.

"Nothing is wrong." She stated coldly. He wasn't buying it.

"I know having friends isn't exactly a thing around here, but I thought we were friendlier than that." He stood up to match her height. "What's going on?" Natalia felt annoyed that he could ask what had changed between them, like he didn't strap her down to a table so they could alter her body.

"I'm sorry if I'm still upset about the other night." She responded sharply.

"What are you talking about?" Did he not think what he did would cause damage to their relationship? Natalia went to walk out but was stopped by James grabbing her arm and pulling her to face him. "Natalia, what are you talking about?" He snapped at her. He had a look of frustration that she had never seen on him before, they were practically nose to nose and it wasn't until her arm started to hurt that she realized how close they were. She could practically smell the testosterone coming off of him and she felt her cheeks flush as she felt the heat beating off of him.

"I'm talking about the other night when I tried to run away from the lab and you grabbed me and strapped me down to the table yourself so they could put that serum into me." She spat. "That's what I'm talking about." She felt his grip on her loosen up and an readable expression crossed his face as his eyes softened.

"You didn't say a single word the whole time." He let go of her and walked over to place his hands on the window. James stood there in silence just staring out the window, Natalia wasn't sure if she should leave or go to him. She decided on the latter and crossed the room and leaned on the wall and examined him. He was staring out the window, he looked like he had an internal struggle going on in his mind. "What is it?" She inquired plainly. He ran his fleshed hand over his face and exhaled deeply.

"There is something I didn't tell you, mainly because I didn't think you needed to know." He explained, not breaking his eyes away from the snow covered scenery outside. "The business I say I have to tend to is really missions for Hydra the KGB." He confessed. "There are a series of words that trigger this different side of me that they need to make me what they call the Winter Soldier. I have done a lot of things you wouldn't believe. Things that you will have to do once you complete your training." James turned to face her on that last part. "That is why they wanted me to work with you, because of the success of my missions they are hoping that I can make you to be just like that." Natalia let the information process.

"They wipe my memory so if I become compromised certain information is safe. So that is probably why I don't remember that night Natalia...I'm sorry if I hurt you." He apologized. No one had ever apologized to her before. Well, except the time Irina took a piece of clothing from her and Natalia had put her in such a tight head lock that the girl almost passed out. They were 10.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" She asked lowly, keeping her expression blank.

"Natalia, I know no one is really friends here but I like to think we have a comradery between us." He admitted. Natalia surprised herself and place a hand on his shoulder.

"You're forgiven. Just this once though." She teased. He gave her a half smile that sparked an emotion she hadn't felt before. Before anything else was said, she dropped her hand from his should and turned to walk out of the room.

"Don't forget your lesson tomorrow. Maybe I'll get another person to help out." James called after her.

"If you can find anyone willing." She winked over her shoulder. Part of her was glad that there was an explanation to his weird behavior. Another part of her of felt even more relief that she had her 'friend' back. Or whatever he was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author note: There is a little more building up between them in this chapter which I was glad to finally get to. For those of you who are reading along as I update, I know I am updating a few chapters at once. I had writer's block for a couple months before typing this out so it feels as if this is just exploding out currently. I hope you enjoy.**

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It has been nearly five months since Natalia had been injected with the serum and she could see the difference in her daily routines. She didn't need as mush time to recover from harsh lessons like the other girls did and she was able to move much quicker than they could. Natalia would think this was an unfair advantage she had but in truth these girls didn't have the same discipline that she had. Natalia does what she does because it is what she wants. They do what they do out of fear, out of lack of choice, and because they know that if they try to escape they will be killed. Madame B. has now started holding her to an even higher expectation. She demands her to hold positions for a lengthy amount of time during their ballet lessons. She expects her to hit harder and move faster than her opponent. All of her opponents are male now, Madame B. tells her that most of her missions will involve her to take down more men than women and she needs to get used to that. Now that she is getting closer to graduating they have also started educating her on how to seduce men and to find their weak spots. How to dress, do her make up, and how to better flirt. Not that they weren't showing her and the girls this before, but now it's more in depth. She took it all on though, she wanted to master it all. Killing without a second thought would also get more in depth, she would have to kill her first person soon. She always knew this would come, but it would be her first time doing so. She just hoped she wouldn't fail.

Her lessons with James had turned into her favorites. He was the only one who gave her real challenges these days, he was the only one strong enough to come close to besting her or actually hurting her. He had started looking on in her other lessons to watch her progress and see what she can do. She didn't mind having him there, but she felt a sort of pressure to do everything as perfect as she could if he was sitting in. Since the day he apologized to her their relationship was different. More like friends...It was different for her. She had never had a friend before and she wasn't use to having someone she could sort of trust. Things had started to change ever so slightly between them in recent weeks...

It was a normal day and it was time for her firearm practice with James and she was working on perfecting firing with her left hand. She almost had it almost perfect. She could hit the center of the target and the head but she was struggling hitting the hands where she needed to and she needed to do it if she were to ever disarm someone. Per usual, she was getting flustered with not hitting it or being off.

"I'm so close but then so far off." She groaned as she set her pistol, the one he had given her as gift, on the table. She pressed both of her palms on the table and leaned forward to study the target sheet she had been firing at.

"Well it is an improvement from a few days ago." James reminded her as we approached her from the side. "You were barely hitting the hands the other day and now look at you! Only off by a little bit." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Can you for once just tell me I sucked at it and to be better?"

He hardened his expression. "You sucked, be better." She just shook her head at him, she could never take him seriously when he tried to be stern like that. "Here, pick it back up." He instructed her, she picked the pistol back up and got into position.

"Now hold it right about here and keep this arm down like this and move this hip back a little." He got behind her, placing his metal arm along her left arm and positioned it slightly lower. His right hand had pulled her other arm down to her side. She was suddenly very aware of close he was to her as he placed his right hand on her hip and pulled it back to better her stance. He kept his hand there as he told her what to do next, but she could barely hear him over the pounding oh her heart. Their bodies were so close she could feel the heat come off of him, feel him inhale and exhale. She could smell is musky scent and she swore he was wearing cologne. She could feel the vibrations in his chest as he tried to get her attention.

"Natalia. Natalia." She heard her name again.

"Are you okay?" James asked her, concern in his voice.

"Yeah, um sorry I was just thinking of how it feels easier in this stance then how I had it." She covered up. She tried to keep a clear head which normally wasn't hard, but being this close to him was suddenly distracting to her.

"Alright, now try firing your shots." He instructed her. She did as she was told and sure enough she hit each mark with more ease than before. A smiled spread across her face as she saw all her marks hit. She set the pistol down and turned to face James who she didn't realize was still standing so close.

"Thanks, it really..." She trailed off, distracted by how he somehow looked different to her. The way his eyes were green with flecks of blue. The way one side of his smile reached further than the other. "It really helped." She was able to recover.

"Glad it helped. I was hoping it would. I had a feeling you were going to lose your mind and just start emptying your rounds into it out of anger." He joked. She only smiled back at him, she was trying to down play the redness she felt in her cheeks and hoped he didn't notice. If he did he didn't let it show. "I, um, think we may have missed dinner." He stated, a smile still present on his face.

"Did you want to go up to the kitchen and find something to eat?" She nodded and they made their way back upstairs.

The kitchen was large with dark wooden cabinets, two black refrigerators, a stove with more burners than you would ever need, two ovens, and a large marble countered island where she and James were sitting. Only the dim light of the small chandelier was lit the kitchen as they sat eating some left over dinner that was put away. Normally, if you missed dinner you didn't eat until the next day. However, Madame B. has been pleased with all the extra hard work Natalia had been putting in and made the exception this once as long as James stayed up to handcuff her to her bed which he agreed to. As they ate their meal they talked about the progress that had been made in recent weeks and how he was thinking of challenging her more.

"You were great before the serum, let me establish that before I continue," He began to tell her. "I think the serum just brought out the talent you already had. You would still be great even if they didn't give it you."

Natalia smiled at the compliment. "I like to think that too, it made me stronger and faster no doubt, but I didn't notice a drastic change in myself like I thought I would." The continued to eat their meal not saying much more. Natalia had been thinking of some of the things she had been wanting to ask him but was unsure if it was too private to ask him. Her curiosity got the better of her and she went for it anyway.

"You were enhance too, weren't you." She stated more than asked. "Aside from your arm, they modified you to do their business for them. That's why they have you mentoring me." James stopped eating his food and looked at her with a complete honest expression.

"Yes," He nodded. "they did. But from what I am aware of mine was a little different that yours. I have heard them say it took some tweaking here and there to get me right." He paused before continuing. "They don't need to fix what they did to you. Unlike me, they don't put you away for long periods of time like they do me." Natalia raised her brow at what he had said.

"Put you away how?" She inquired, curious as to what he meant. James, for the first time ever, looked uncomfortable. Like he was about to share something very private.

"They have this cryostasis chamber that they put me in." He revealed reluctantly. "It's to preserve me so that I can serve them for...well...decades longer than I would naturally be able to. It is the one part of this that I can honestly say I hate." Natalia stood from her stool to take a place beside him as he shared his story with her. His arms were crossed in front of his chest and his eyes looked dark and distant.

"I never know how long they will be putting me in there, what year it will be when I come out. They wipe certain memories to protect themselves and to make sure I can't feel empathy for what I have done, but all I know is that I have been doing this for a long time."

"When was the last time they did that to you." She asked, her voice just a whisper.

"Roughly a year ago." He replied plainly. "They brought me out to train you." He admitted. Natalia was shocked and not so shocked to hear that.

"I thought they brought you here to train all of us?" James chuckled and looked over at her, his eyes softening back to their usual state that she was used to.

"They brought me here to train you specifically. They only brought me to those lessons to see if you were ready and if you really stood out from the others. You did." She felt a sense of pride at his words.

To know that her superiors thought her the best meant something to her, though she tried to hide that. But the new question at hand was when they would freeze him again. Natalia wasn't stupid and knew it was only a matter of months before her training was complete. Would they put him back under before then? Would they wait and let him see what his hard work had accomplished?

"When are they putting you back in there?" She asked suddenly, studying his face for answers. He let out a heavy breath before running a hand over his tired face, he let his hand linger at the side of his face as he bit his lip before answering her.

"I...I don't know really. It could be days, weeks, or even months from now. I never really know." He said it so fast with a mild tone or frustration. "I think it will be around the time you will be done with you training."

Natalia could only nod her head at his answer. James didn't really owe her an answer and she knew that. At the same time, he was the one part of her day to day life here that she enjoyed and she wasn't sure how it would be without him. No one would push her the way he does, or encourage her when she feels like she can't do something. He makes her better and makes her feel like she can do just about anything as long as he is there to guide her. She had started forming an attachment to her new found mentor and friend and she new this could be dangerous for. They were always taught not to build relationships. Not to get attached to anyone, even themselves. It could cause conflict and pose a problem during future missions. She couldn't help it though, there was a bond between them she couldn't deny no matter how much she tried to deny it. As they left the kitchen and made their way to the dormitory where Natalia and the other girls slept, she tried to push the thoughts of their conversation out of her mind. She changed quickly into her nightgown as James had his back turned. She laid herself down onto her metal framed twin bed to signal she was ready to be shackled for the night. He cuffed her quickly to the bed, giving her a quick smile before leaving her for the night. Natalia wished sleep came easy to her that night but it didn't. When she did drift off finally it was only to be awakened not even an hour later for the day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author note: You guys have no idea the trouble I went through writing this one. I lost my content three times total so this chapter had three different versions. It ends the same and begins the same so do with that what you will. Make sure to follow the story to keep in the loop when I update and leave some reviews letting me know what you thought of each chapter.**

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It had been a week since the night in the kitchen. A week of Natalia trying to suppress her changing feelings for James, she considered him a friend but things were changing on her end. Whenever they sparred she would be more aware of how close they would be. She found herself smiling whenever he teased her and her heart skipped a beat at that grin he would give her. More times than she would like to admit her heart would skip a beat when his eyes would meet hers or when he was close enough to her that she would catch his musky scent, she could swear he wore cologne. Suddenly she was had a new awareness to his being that she didn't have before and it scared her. It was the first thing to actually scared her. Was it love? _No._ She would often tell herself. _Love is for children. _The words played in her head, words were engraved into her and the others girls mind from a young age by Madame B. and Ivan when they would show them movies and clips of women charming men with just an alluring smile and twinkle in their eyes. They were told the ways to lure a man in with fake interest and placing a small touch, not too much, but enough to for them to think they had a chance. That's what they were taught. A beautiful façade. Natalia did well to conceal her new found feelings whenever anyone else was around. Madame B. had insisted on sitting in on a sparring lesson. Natalia could honestly say trying to not show how flustered she felt when James had pinned her down on the mat was hard. Anytime he was that close it was hard...

Which is why she tried her best to not think about such things during their sparring session today. She simply told herself that it was just hormones and a change of chemicals in her brain from the serum. Everything was enhanced and this was merely a side effect from it. Just a side effect. She repeated the words to herself as she got dressed for their morning session. She pulled a t-shirt out of her drawer and slid it on, tying it in a knot just above her bellybutton. She pulled out one of the many pairs of black tights she owned and pulled them up around her legs. She looked herself over in the mirror and decided to put her red tresses into a high ponytail to keep it out her way. Taking a few breathes and reminding herself that what she feels isn't real and just a side effect from the serum, she went on her way to the room where they normally met. On her way, she noticed the other girls either working on a different language with and instructor or studying the different cities in another country. She also noticed new recruits watching other girls her age dance. She remembered when she was brought here and they told her and the other girls that she brought in with that they would be taught to dance like prima ballerinas. They did, but that wasn't all they were taught.

As she entered the room, she spotted James stretching and warming up. She walked up to him as quietly as possible, hoping to catch him off guard. Natalia was only two feet away when he stopped what he was doing.

"Nice try, but you forget I have been doing this longer." He said smugly as he turned to face her. She noted the half grin he did when he teased her and she started to hate him for how it made her heart flutter.

"What can I say? It was worth a shot." She shrugged and began stretching her arms and legs. He crossed his arms and eyed her carefully.

"What were you planning on doing anyhow?" He asked seeming intrigued. Natalia stood from her toe touch to look him on.

"Well I was planning on kicking your leg out, causing you to face plant the floor which would give me time to pin your arm behind your back." She explained nonchalantly. James nodded in approval at her tactic she had planned.

"It would be a good plan. But I think you could come up with better." He smirked. She just rolled her eyes at him and shook her arms out.

"Are we going to begin or what?" He let out a small laugh before getting in his stance, she followed suit and tried to ignore the feeling his laugh evoked within her.

"Let's do this then." He remarked in a husky voice. She noted that he his right arm looked like it was readying itself to swing. Sure enough, he pounced towards her right first coming at her. She was able to duck with it, bring her leg up and kicking him back a few steps. They ran towards each other, James going for another punch while Natalia used his shoulder to back flip over him.

"You think you're so smooth." He teased her, she turned around to face him while planning her next move.

"Well step it up old man." She smirked. Natalia bolted toward James ready to fake him out with a punch but he was step ahead of her and blocked both the fake punch to his face and the one intended for his abdomen. Natalia in turn blocked the blows he attempted to land to her chest and side. They continued on like this. Fluid in their movements as the landed few hits and blocked most attempts at the other. James was able to get a tight hold on her shoulder, she continued to throw punches to his face and to the metal arm that held her. Realizing her punches weren't having the effect she needed to break free, she sent an elbow to his chin and spun to send a kick to his stomach and to his side. She broke free of his grasp only for him to grab her by her pony tail and pull her to the ground.

James had pinned her arms above her head and was straddling her to keep her from breaking free. Natalia squirmed and pushed back as hard as she could before accepting her defeat. She opened her eyes to look up at him, his face was only a mere inch or two from her face, they were both breathing heavy. Natalia wasn't sure if she was breathing hard from the physical fight or from having James be this close to her, she could feel his breaths against her skin, his hair fell around her like a dark curtain and he was holding his himself firmly over her to stop any chance she had of escaping. They stayed like that for what felt like hours but in reality was only seconds. Their eyes boring into the other's, an unreadable look in his green eyes caught her off guard as he closed the space between them and pressed his lips to hers. A wave of shock spread over her as she realized what was happening as well as an ocean of emotions. She closed her eyes and gave in to the kiss. His lips were warm and hungry against hers. She could hear her heart pound out of her chest and her stomach felt like it was doing flips. She felt his grip on her wrist lessen and she took advantage. She pulled her arms away and rolled them to where he was now the one pinned. A look of surprise cast over his face as he looked up at her. She stood and quickly exited the room.

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It was much later now and Natalia was in her ballet lesson. She and the other girls followed through with the routine Madame B. requested. They looked like reflections of each other matching in their black spaghetti strapped leotards and black mesh skirts that was tied around their waists. Each moved at the same tempo on the same count. Their headmistress looked on with a proud look upon her face. Natalia went through the motions that she knew well as she thought about what had occurred between her and James earlier in the day. He kissed her. Not on accident, but with full intent of doing so. She still felt surprised and shocked at what happened. She also couldn't help but feel angry at him for crossing a bridge they were never supposed to cross. They weren't permitted to have feelings for each other, not now and not ever. _She _wasn't permitted to have feelings, she corrected herself. They couldn't have what normal people have. That wasn't a choice for them and they both knew that.

"Very good girls, that will be all for today." Madame B. announced. "Go clean up for dinner." Once the girls were dismissed they began to leave the room, Natalia was following behind when the headmistress put a hand on her shoulder. "Natalia, stay a moment there is something I want to talk to you about." The older blonde woman instructed, taking a seat on one of the chairs against the wall. She patted the chair next to her motioning for Natalia to join her. She did as she was told while hiding the nervous feeling that was building inside her.

"I wanted to inform you that a date has been set for your graduation." Her eyes widened at the news shared with her. She wasn't under the impression her graduation would be currently in conversation. "Come your seventeenth birthday, if you pass the trials, you will officially be a Black Widow and the youngest at that. I'm so proud of you Natalia. I know you didn't have a choice in what happened, but you embraced the changed and moved forward like any strong woman would do." Madame B. beamed, she didn't show this side to any of the other girls and Natalia rarely saw it. It was in moments like this, when she accomplished things that reflected good on the headmistress.

"I am honored Madame. Thank you for telling me." She truly was excited, in just six months she would be what she always dreamed of. The one thing she has always wanted.

"I think training with James has greatly benefitted you in your journey, go get cleaned up now child. After dinner you have a late lesson with him." Natalia nodded, standing to leave the room. Her mind racing the whole way to her dormitory. She had almost forgotten she had one more lesson with him tonight. She felt as if she could be sick. The idea of confronting each other with what happened was the last thing she wanted to do. But like everything else in her life, she didn't have a choice.

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Natalia had about fifteen minutes before she had to meet James for their second lesson. It would be sparring as they preplanned what days she would spar twice on with him. Today was that day. She hurried up the staircase and down the hall to the dorm. Only a couple girls were there and they were doing the same as her, except they all changed into a uniform. The one thing she liked about working with James was that she didn't have to match anyone. She could dress in what she wanted for their sessions. Natalia walked over to her designated are that had her bed and next to it a wardrobe that had two drawers. She puled open the drawer and pulled out one of the fifty pairs of black training tights she had. She started changing out of her dance clothes and pulled on the tights as well as a black sports bra and cropped gray shirt that hung loosely off her shoulder. Deciding that it was best to keep her hair in a bun she quickly tied her shoes to be on her way. The jealous looks from the other girls didn't go unnoticed to Natalia as she walked by. It was no secret that most of the girls found James attractive and were desperate to work with him one on one, they envied Natalia that she did. She never let it bother her though, the way she saw it was that she was getting the challenge she needed to be the best. It wasn't her fault they weren't ready.

She ascended the staircase to the main floor of the giant mansion and turned down the dimly lit corridor that led to the sparring room. That sinking feeling she got in her stomach when she was nervous returned, she desperately hoped that this wouldn't be weird between them. The red headed teen took a deep breath before pushing the thoughts from her head. As usual, she'll deal with the emotions when she's alone. She turned the knob on the thick wooden door and entered the room. It looked like any other large room you find in a mansion like this. The only things giving away what it was used for were multiple mats the had sprawled out on the floor for sparring, a punching bad, and a couple of benches to sit on. As she entered, she noticed James was doing sit ups face the wall. She didn't say anything as she closed the door, she knew he was aware of her presence. He continued on with his reps letting out the occasional grunt. He finished the last sit up and stood from the ground.

"Ready to start?" He asked, turning to face her but not making eye contact with her. We was dressed in similar colors as she was. He wore black joggers and a gray t-shirt. She nodded as they both got into position.

_I guess we are just going to pretend it didn't happen, _she thought to herself. Natalia went to strike first and he blocked her quickly. She went for another hit. Blocked. She went for a roundhouse kick. Deflected. Now it was his turn to swing. He took a couple quick steps towards her throwing a fist which each step. She blocked quickly but could feel him putting his full force into each strike. Before she knew it he was coming at her aggressively and quickly. She barely had time to block the punches he threw at her. As he lunged forward, she ducked to the side stepping forward and bring a hard punch into his abdomen. He double over onto the ground and let out a groan.

"Are you done?" She hissed at him. He got on one knee, still holding his stomach and glared at her.

"That was a shitty thing to do." He spat.

"Yeah?" She raised her eye at him. "So was what you were doing."

He got onto to both feet, sucking up whatever pain he felt.

"Are we going to talk about it?" She asked annoyingly. He put his hands on his hips, still refusing to make eye contact with her. "Is that a no?" She commanded.

"What's there to talk about?" He demanded, throwing his hands up. "It happened. I thought there was something between us and I thought wrong." He walked towards the window across the room and leaned against it. Natalia suddenly felt bad for being so snappy with him, it was clear she hurt him by running out on him. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to him, leaning her back on the wall next to him.

"That's not why I ran." She confessed, he gave her a confused look. She braced herself mentally for what she was going to say. "I ran because I wanted it and I can't want it. Not with you, not with anybody. Ever. It would compromise me and make me vulnerable." James didn't say anything but simply nodded. Natalia felt uncomfortable with the silence between them.

"You can want it Natalia, are you supposed to? No. Am I? No." He stated. "But here we are wanting it. I've known for awhile that I felt something towards you and I tried to deny it but then there would be moments between us. A smile, a laugh, simply standing too close to you..."

Natalia knew what he meant. She tried to deny it herself but she no longer could.

"My point is, we have never had a choice in anything that had happened to us. Why not now? No more games, no more make believe that something isn't happening. Why resist it Natalia?" He reached out and grabbed her hand with his flesh hand, his eyes and voice filled with a passion she hadn't seen before, it only drew her in more. "Abandon thoughts of why we shouldn't. Think of what we could have, we are the only people who get each other. We're past the point of no return Natalia, this is where we are now."

Natalia could feel her heart pound in her chest at his words, she had no words. She came here not knowing what the outcome would be...she would be lying if she hadn't imagined them together. James had a point, they have never had choice that was theirs and theirs alone in the lives they led. There was no promise of tomorrow in their world, there was no promise to tonight half the time. Natalia bit her lip as she thought about her answer, she could feel James studying her face for a reaction.

"No going back now." She answered softly as she stood on her tip toes and kissed him. Their kiss was filled with passion and warmth, no more thought of right or wrong. She could feel her blood race as he wrapped his arms around her, bring her flush against him. She circled her arms around his neck, deepening their kiss. Natalia felt like her heart would explode with excitement as he bent ever so slightly to wrap her legs around his waist. He pinned her against the wall, she tugged at his shirt lifting it over his head eager to feel his warmth against her body. They not only crossed the bridge, but they set fire to it so it could never be undone.

They had gotten so lost in each other that it Natalia was startled when James suddenly pulled back from her. She caught herself and landed on her feet, her felt breathless and confused as to why he pulled away so fast from her. James had turned and face away from her with a one hand rubbing his face and the other on his hip.

"What's wrong?" She asked more eagerly than she meant. He took a couple deep breath before turning back towards her, he was just as breathless as she was from their interaction.

"Nothing is wrong." He assured, making his way back to her, he reached a hand out and caressed her cheek in his hand. "Just not here. It's too risky." She nodded in agreement. They both put their respective shirts back on and tried to distract themselves with sparring. Natalia has had harder sessions, but she found it extremely hard to focus after the kiss they shared. Part of her was unsure if they made the right decision, but another part didn't care. She had too many feelings for him to push them aside. That night, after she was cuffed to her bed for the night, all she could dream about was James.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author Note: This chapter is a bit longer and it involves and interesting training exercise.**

** THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SOME MATURE PARTS NEAR THE END**

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It was summertime now and most of their training was taken outside to the courtyard. Madame B. led the girls out into the shady courtyard and Natalia noted how humid it felt as they stepped onto the gravel filled space. Natalia, as well as the other girls, wore uniformed gray draw string athletic shirts and uniformed black sports bras for their outside training. The girls stood around the courtyard as Madame B. stood in the center facing towards them, looking well put together as usual with her skirt suit and pearls.

"Ladies," She began, her red lips turned up into a smile. "we will be doing our hand to hand training out here. A reminder before we begin," Her smile disappeared as her tone lessened it's upbeat tone. "you are not permitted to kill your opponent as you were before. After much discussion, we have decided that the student who fails shall face punishment other than death as it seems a waste of our time and effort over the years." The girls all nodded. Natalia thought the decision was a wise one as she often wondered to herself why they would let a student die after one failed match. For all the time and effort they put into teaching them and training them it did seem like a waste of a potentially good asset. She had never killed a fellow student herself, most of the girls surrendered to her before she had the opportunity, it made her feel rather proud of herself that her peers realized she could and would kill them. Out of her class only three girls had been killed during their training. Taisia, she was roughly seven years of age when she killed. Alla, ten years of age when she lost the upper hand during her fight. Samara, this one Natalia can still picture as clear as the day it happened a year ago. She could remember the black haired girl fighting and failing to get out from under Katya as she sat on top of her, hands around her neck. Samara kept fighting though, she refused to surrender and would rather die than admit defeat to Katya who she had always rivaled. Natalia had looked on with the others as her attempts grew weaker and weaker, her face was growing more red with each passing second and soon her body fell limp as the life was drained from her. She remembers thinking what a shame it was that she didn't tap out. If she only had learned from the fight she could have done better the next time around. Katya was too proud and too smug to surrender during spars and would never have tapped out if Samara had the upper hand. Samara could have killed her if she was smart. She was not and Katya was. If she was honest with herself, Katya was the only one she considered to be on the same level as her in any way.

"Natalia and Katya." Madame B. looked to the girls. "We will start with you two. " She stepped to the side to allow the red head and the blonde to take center stage. They both stepped forward to the center of the courtyard, eyeing each other carefully looking for any advantage they could take over the other. Natalia tightened her pony tail before getting into position as did her opponent.

"Begin." Madame B. commanded. Katya lunged forward fist first towards Natalia as she leaned to the side grabbing the girl by her forearm, flipping her hard on her back against the gravel. Katya swept her leg out knocking Natalia onto the ground with her. Both girls rolled over and got into crouching positions ready for the other to make the next move. Neither one were budging. Natalia quickly swept her hand towards the ground and back up sending gravel into Katya's face in hopes to distract her. Katya brought a hand to her eyes to clear the dirt and gravel from her face as she felt a fist connect with her cheek bone. Natalia was on the girl within seconds and landed three consecutive blows to her face, sternum, and flank. As she swung her leg out to kick her in the chest, Katya caught Natalia's foot between her hands and twisted her leg sending her back towards the ground. Katya leapt towards the red head to bring an elbow down on her chest but Natalia was quicker and rolled swiftly out of the way as her opponent landed onto the ground. Natalia sprung up onto her feet and untied her shorts pulling the drawstring out and pounced onto Katya from behind, bring the drawstring around her neck and pulling her back onto her knees. Her hold was strong and taunt as she held her there and Katya flailed her hands up towards Natalia's face in hopes of scratching her eyes but her attempts fell short. Realizing she was failing, she brought an elbow back hard into Natalia's side but she refused to let go and instead rolled onto her back bringing Katya with her. She wrapped her legs around the girl and squeezed so she couldn't breathe.

"Tap out you idiot." Natalia grunted low enough for only Katya to hear.

"Never." She wheezed.

"Enough." Madame B. announced loudly and Natalia let go of the girl and stood up brushing the gravel off from her sweaty body. Katya remained on the ground coughing and wheezing, a red line across her neck was present from the friction of the drawstring. She sent Natalia a cold hateful glare as she stood. "Katya, learn from this. Natalia, good job utilizing what you had." The girls nodded and went back to stand with the rest of the girls as their headmistress summoned the next to girl to fight. The rest of the morning went on like this. Some fought exceptionally well, some were sloppy. All victors were congratulated and dismissed whilst the less victorious were made to stay and were made to run miles in the hot humid heat followed by push ups, the only way it ended was with one person still standing with the rest passed out from fatigue and exhaustion. The rest of the girls took their showers and changed into their leotards and warm up skirts. It was another day of the same training with very little interference of change. After their ballet lesson they would be seated in a classroom like setting and would be shown clips of movies and such showing women flirt and charmingly interact with men who were taken away by their charm. They were told how to seem more convincing, to make a man feel like he actually mattered to them in order to get what they wanted. How to bat their eyes, laugh on cue, flirt with only their eyes and a suggestive smile.

"We have a new training exercise for you girl tonight." Their instructor, a thirty-something year old slender brunette woman named Nadya, announced to them as she flipped on the lights. "We have shown you how to act and what to say but we decided to give you a more_ authentic_ lesson." She smiled as she walked over to the chalk board and began writing.

"We will be taking you girls out tonight and your goals are to find a man to focus on, flirt and charm convincingly with him, make him believe he has a chance, go home with him." She wrote out the goals in big white letters. Most of the girls tried to hide their excitement. Natalia tried to hide the feeling of dread in her stomach, they had been taken out in small groups for outings so they were exposed to the outside world. But this would be different.

"Multiple handlers will be present in the vicinity you will be at to watch you to ensure you complete these tasks and to make sure you do not try anything stupid. They will follow you to where you go and will find you in the morning to transport you back here. Go get ready, you all have an outfit laid out on your bed." The girls made their way out of the classroom and upstairs to begin the process of getting ready. Some were giggling and bragging about how good they think they will be. Some were even excited to get close to a man. Natalia knew things like this would be expected of her once she was an official spy, but now that she and James had entered this new territory with each other she felt this strange feeling inside. She would have to flirt with a man and even go home with him. Is he aware of what they had planned for them tonight? She felt sick but put on a brave face and slipped into the form fitting short blush color dress they had laid out for her. It hugged every curve on her and had a plunging neck line to show off her cleavage. She and the rest of the girls got ready at the long bathroom counter and applied their make up, style their hair, and checked their appearances in the mirror. Natalia wore her hair down and straight while making sure bangs laid just the way she needed them to. She fastened the black velvet choker around her neck and applied the burgundy colored lipstick over her lips. Stepping into her black heels, she was ready for the night entailed.

Their group in whole was twelve girls. They were broken into four groups of three as they entered black SUVs with whoever their handlers would be for the night. Natalia, Katya, and Irina filled the SUV with she and Irina sitting the very back row while Katya filled in the middle where Alexei was sitting. Mischa was in the driver's seat and not much to her surprise James was in the passenger seat. The dark haired men were all dressed for the night wearing mostly jeans and polos, James was wearing a long sleeved button down shirt with the sleeves cuffed. To her confusion, his left arm looked like it was a normal flesh covered arm. "Katya, you're assigned to Misha." Alexei informed as the began driving.

"Irina you're with James. Natalia with me." She felt herself relax knowing that James wasn't going to be the one keeping an eye on her tonight. "We will be going to a rooftop bar. You three will enter together. You are friends on a night out, here are your IDs." Misha stated as he handed each girl a fake card with that had their picture on it. Natalia's name for the night would be Lana. The girls put their IDs in their purses and were told the expectations for the night. If something were to happen and they found themselves in a compromised position they were to pretend to yawn and rub the back of their neck. Natalia tried to catch a glimpse of James' reflection in the rearview mirror to see if his face gave any indication on his thoughts to this activity planned. He just stared ahead to the road. She didn't have a choice and she knew he knew that, if he was really okay with it she wasn't sure. Once she graduates she will be sent on missions where she will have to seduce and even sleep with her targets and they both knew that, but they didn't think about that when they let themselves get involved with one another.

They arrived to their destination and the girls were let out so they could enter separately from the men. They stepped onto the street, straightening out their outfits. Irina wore a maroon colored two piece dress outfit with black heels and her dark brown hair in a high pony tail. Katya wore a black form fitting strappy dress, she had her platinum blonde hair down and wore a black choker like Natalia's to hide where she was choked earlier in the day. The trio entered the building and got on the elevator that went up to the bar.

"Could they have chosen a more basic name than Alexis?" Irina complained as she adjusted the skirt part of her outfit.

"Mine isn't too bad, my name Hanna." Katya replied as she played with her long locks of hair.

"Either is mine, it's Lana." Natalia replied as checked her make up in her compact mirror.

The elevator opened up to a lobby like area, there were glass doors that let out onto the large rooftop where a large crowd of people were dancing and drinking. The music was just loud enough to dance too but not too loud to not be able to hear the people around. There were high top tables where people were laughing and flirting, the rooftop was lit by strung lights zig zagged above them. The three girls made their way to the bar where they ordered drinks and showed their fake IDs to the bartender. Drinks in hand they decided to make their way into the crowd to make it seem like they were just ordinary girls having a fun night out of drinking and dancing. Natalia noticed Misha, James, and Alexei walk their way to the bar and look out at the dance scene. Sure enough it didn't take long for the girls to catch the eye of a few men. Katya separated rather quickly from them to go off with a guy that was trying to grind on her. Another gentleman with slicked back auburn hair and his friend who was rather tall with a shag of brown hair placed themselves between Irina and Natalia. The taller one getting behind Natalia. She allowed him to place himself there as they smiled flirtatiously at one another. She took another sip of her mixed drink as she felt the slender young man slide an arm around her waist pressing her closer to his body. She let herself sway to the music with him as started to grind against her, Natalia reached an arm behind her to bring his face closer in his stubble tickling her in the process. Once a new song began, she grabbed him by the hand and led him to a high top table where they sat and ordered drinks.

"So what's your name, handsome?" She asked in a husky voice as she twirled a lock of hair between her fingers, making sure to lean in just enough to show off her cleavage.

"Erik, and you?" He asked as he tried to not blatantly look down at her breast.

"Lana." She smiled and took sip of her drink that had just been dropped off. They continued to make small talk and she made sure to laugh at every joke he made and to place a hand on his knee. She listened as he told her about how he was a guitarist in a rock band, he was twenty four and had dropped out of university to pursue music full time. His parents were rich and disowned him for dropping out of school, they wanted him to be a lawyer. She told him a made up story of how she was twenty years old and a ballerina, she was out with her best friends Alexis and Hanna. They knew each other from their dance company and had become close. Erik had moved closer to her at some point and now had arm placed around the back of her chair. She felt his other hand on her knee as he leaned in close to her, she wondered if James was witnessing this at all or if he was staying focused on what Irina was doing.

"How would you feel about taking this to my apartment? I only live a couple blocks from here." He suggested in a low voice as his hand moved further up her thigh.

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea." She replied with a grin. They stood from the table and he grabbed her hand and led her towards the doors. Once they elevator doors opened they stepped in and it was just them. Natalia made the first move pulling him into her and kissing him hungrily. Erik gave in completely wrapping his arms around her small frame. Natalia felt his tongue slip into her mouth and his hand lower onto her back side. The elevator doors opened and they pulled apart and exited. Once outside Erik pulled a cigarette out from his pocket and lit it, placing an arm around her shoulders and leading her towards his apartment.

"Here we are." He exclaimed as they walked up to a tall brick building, he opened the door with a key. His apartment was on the second floor, he fumbled slightly with the door she could tell he felt eager to get inside. Once the door was opened she followed him inside. The apartment itself was small with its white walls that had posters covering parts of it and hardwood floors. There were a couple beer bottles sitting on the coffee table along with an ash tray. She spotted an acoustic and electric guitar in the corner by the tv with an amp just two feet away. He walked over to the coffee table to put out his cigarette.

"Sorry for the mess." He smiled sheepishly as he gathered the empty bottles and moved them on the kitchen counter. She leaned against entryway of the kitchen and watched him as he washed his hands, drying them with a dish towel. He noticed her watching him and grinned, closing the space between them. He brought his hands up to her face, cupping it gently and leaned down to kiss her. It felt tender and soft, she couldn't deny the butterflies it gave her she was still human. As he pulled away she looked up into his dark blue eyes, she could tell he was wanting more.

"Why don't we go to your room?" She suggested, placing a hand on his chest, she could feel his heart racing. He nodded , taking her hand in his and leading her down the hall. He clicked a lamp on and pulled her into him as he sat back on the bed. She pushed him down, her heels falling off her feet, and straddled him. His hands moved up her thighs, pushing her dress up, she could feel him growing excited beneath her. Natalia leaned down to kiss him as he began pulling her dress over her head leaving her just in her in her lace bralette and panties. Erik sat up and flipped them to where he was now on top of her, he pulled his shirt off exposing his toned torso. He came back down to her kissing her passionately and began moving down to her neck kissing and sucking gently. She tried to keep herself from swooning over the sensations she felt as he moved her breasts, his hands moved under her and fumbled around with her bra strap until she felt it loosen as he freed her from the garment and moved his mouth over her right breast she could feel his tongue flick over her nipple and she moaned to let him know she enjoyed it. Well, to his knowledge. Erik started to move south on her body again, making sure to show his appreciation of her body with kisses along the way. Once he made it to her hips, he sat up and began unbuttoning his jeans. She propped herself upon her elbows. Was this really about to happen? This would be her first time doing this with a man and she felt nervous and unsure. Erik had just undid his pants when he suddenly fell over limply on top of her. Natalia's training took over as she flipped him off her and examined the room. Out of the corner in the shadows James appeared to her surprise.

"What are you doing here?" She exclaimed pulling a pillow over her bare chest. "I thought you were assigned to Irina."

She was looking around frantically for her bra but couldn't seem to find it. James reached his hand out revealing her bra to her, she grabbed it and started putting in back on.

"Alexei wanted to tail Irina, said something wanting to see her out of that dress so he asked me to swap." He replied blankly. Natalia felt awkward sitting on bed in just her undergarments with a man she was about to get intimate with passed out at her side and the man she was secretly seeing standing on front of her.

"What did you do to him?" She asked mildly concerned looking at the passed out half dressed man beside her, she noticed a dart in his neck. "Why did you do that?" James looked uncomfortable and was trying hard to not make eye contact with her.

"I couldn't watch you be with him. I didn't think it would bother me since it was business and not real..." He trailed off and looked her in the eyes. She could tell he was bothered. "but I couldn't do it. I felt myself get jealous and I just couldn't do it." She didn't think he could feel jealous. He always seemed so unbothered and together that she never thought he would show jealousy.

"So what do we do now?" She asked, changing the topic.

"We're going to make it look like you went through with it. Just in case someone else takes over. Take off his clothes and get him under the blankets." Natalia and James pulled the remaining clothes off of Erik and placed him under the covers. For a such a fit guy he was a lot heavier than he looked. "You're going to need to get out of those, maybe wear his shirt and that way they won't question anything." Natalia did as he instructed but felt weird stripping down in front of him. She pulled on the t-shirt Erik had tossed aside, James seemed to be avoiding making eye contact with her which upset her.

"Are we going to talk about this?" She asked quietly. "This is something that will be required of me once I graduate..." He looked over at her, his expression was one confliction.

"I know it is and I thought I could take it, but now we are what we are." He took a few steps towards her, placing a hand to her face as his thumb carefully traced her cheekbone. "It was harder than I thought it would be." He admitted to her, it made her heart sink. In that moment she knew they had compromised each other.

Morning came and their suspicions were confirmed. It was someone else who came to collect Natasha and they were pleased to find her in bed next to Erik. She got dressed quickly and left flirty note on the pillow beside the snoring musician before sneaking out. The care ride back to the mansion felt long and draining. Katya was bragging about how well she did and how the poor man will be dreaming about their night together for years to come. Irina and Natalia didn't seem impressed and both knew she was likely exaggerating. Natalia was just grateful the night was over and to move on. She also wondered if Erik would have any recollection of the night and if thought something had happened between them. She would never know and she was okay with that. In all honesty she was relieved her first time with a man wasn't with a stranger.


	8. Chapter 8

One month. That is how much time Natalia had left before she graduated and would become the next Black Widow. Madame B. along with other trainers had upped the intensity of her training by grilling her on her knowledge on different subjects. Talking to her in different languages randomly and expecting her to respond in the same language. They tested her fighting abilities by having her take on multiple people all at once. Madame B. made her perform the same physically demanded ballet routine almost all day and just as perfect if not better each time to the point her toes were bruised and bleeding by the end of the day. All the things they threw at her she succeeded at and more impressing her superiors and securing her reputation as the best in her class. In between all of these trials and tribulations, she found some peace in bettering her skills in firearms with James. Shooting guns became therapeutic to her for more reasons than one and it was now the only time they really saw each other. They had been sending James on missions and when he would return they would fry his brain with trying to clear sensitive information. She could tell he was in a dark place and that he couldn't remember things she did. It was all jumbled to him. The day after they cleared his mind he had forgotten that she and him had confessed their feelings for each other, she kissed him and within moments his memory slowly came back and he remembered.

Natalia fired a shot from the pistol in her left hand at the head of the target sheet in front of her, switching the pistol to her right hand mid air with ease she fired a second shot the target's left upper quadrant. She admired her work before setting the pistol on the table in front of her. "Very good Natalia." James remarked coming up behind her and placing a kiss on cheek. Shooting is when they were never watched or popped in on. They could have moments like this. Since the night he stopped her from going through what she was supposed to with that guy, he took advantage of every moment he could to kiss her, smile at her, touch her. All the things they couldn't do around anyone else. Natalia found herself more attracted to him as time went on. She wasn't sure if it was the danger of them being together or if it was the urge to take the their complicated relationship to the next step physically. She always felt excited in the pit of her stomach anytime he kissed her, she wanted more than that from him and she knew he did too but they were never in the position to even attempt it.

"Well I have a great teacher, it's hard not to do good." She replied smartly, turning to face him. He was giving her a smile that made her melt. He always had that effect on her though, Natalia had never cared for another person before but she knew what they had was sincere and not just infatuation.

"I did hear he was the best." He agreed and she rolled her eyes at him. "On another note, how are you feeling? Do you feel like you'll be ready when they put you through the trials? It's only a few weeks away now Talia."

He only called her Talia when they were completely alone and having real conversations. She inhaled deeply, rubbing her forehead before she replied to him. She knew she was ready. All her training through the years had made her ready and she knew he was aware of that. That didn't make the her forget the doubt she had in the back of her mind. Something was bothering her and she couldn't quite word it without forgetting herself and that something was that she knew that once she passed all the tests they had in store for her that they would sterilize her. Not at any point in her life did she ever dream about having a family, nor did she have current dreams of it now, but once they sterilized her it would forever close that door for her. She couldn't explain why it was on her mind, it never bothered her before and she knew she wasn't capable of that life. A life with kids and a husband. A family. Yet, here she was thinking about it. How could she tell that to James though?

"What is it?" He urged her to share what was on her mind, his eyes studying her face for any indication of what it could be. Natalia really didn't want to share her thought with him but she knew he wouldn't let it go.

"What happens after I graduate is on my mind." She explained, not wanting to look him in the eye. "You mean when you leave here?" He asked confused by what she meant. She shook her head.

"No, I mean when they sterilize me." She looked up at him, embarrassed by her revelation. She could see the realization cross his face. "I know that it is necessary and it will make things easier but..." She couldn't finish her thought.

James took her hand in his and squeezed it. "It's another choice that isn't your to make, a choice that any other person would be able to make on their own." He stated matter of fact. She nodded. That was really it, her body was going to be altered and there was nothing she could do about it. They made her into the perfect assassin, or so they thought. This would make sure nothing else mattered more to her than the mission at hand.

"Do you ever think about these things? Like what would your life be like if all of this stuff hadn't happened to you?" She asked through a strained voice. Nothing ever made her emotional, this was and she was trying hard as hell to conceal it. James reached his metal hand to her face to wipe a tear she wasn't aware had escaped her.

"All the time." He admitted, leaning his forehead against hers. "I even have thought about how different a lot of things would be. Like if we would still have found each other without this place, if we could've had a different life." She felt his arms embrace her and she felt herself relax in his arms, it was the only place she felt safe. "I have even imagined if we said screw it all and just ran away from here. Started new somewhere with different identities. Hell, maybe even start a family and pretend we were better people." He admitted as he held her.

His words made her smile and her heart feel warm knowing he felt just as strong about her as she did him.

"I mean, is it that wild of a dream to have?" She wondered quietly. James pulled back to look her in the eye.

"Talia if you wanted to run away from here and start over fresh, it would be hard and even dangerous, but I would do it for you. I would do anything for you." He assured her. Natalia weighed his words in her head. Could they really do it? How far would they make it before they were caught? What would they do to them if they were caught? She knew they would be caught. There was no if. The way James' blue-green eyes burned into hers made her want to believe they could do it and get away with it. That they could live a normal life somewhere and maybe even have a family.

"We would never escape them James, they would always have us on the run." She responded sadly, leaning her head against his chest as he held her close. Both of their hearts ached for what they couldn't have, but they found some solace knowing that they had the other's heart. Even though they could never be publicly together like this they would always take advantage of moments like this and value them. They had each other and would never willingly walk away. That much they did know and that much they did have.

* * *

It was November 22nd, Natalia's seventeenth birthday and the day she would graduate. She had been awake in her bed for hours before they came to uncuff everyone. She couldn't sleep knowing to day would be one of the biggest days in her life. The day the ultimate choice would be taken away from her. Her mind was heavy with the thoughts of her and James's conversation nearly a month ago. What if she said yes and they ran away that night? Would they be happy? She shook her head, now was no time for thoughts like that. Natalia stood and walked out of the dormitory to shower and get ready for what was in store for her. She noticed the other girls murmuring amongst each other about her and that today was the day. She heard some say they had no doubt she would succeed. She also over heard a few say they hoped she failed. Either way, it had no effect on her.

After the shower Natalia dressed in the everyday uniform that consist of blue shirt with black paneled sides, black leggings, and black boots. She pulled half her hair back and started her journey downstairs to meet Madame B. in the main room they normally practiced their dances. She stood there, dressed her typical skirt suit this time in blue. Her hair was in an up-do and her lips were their signature red. She smiled as Natalia entered the room. "Good morning Natalia, are you ready?" She greeted. Natalia only nodded. In truth, she wasn't ready. She had thought she was but her mind was telling her different and so was her heart. "Very good, then let us begin." She declared. Yuri and Alexei entered the room and Natalia looked at them then to her headmistress in a questioning manner.

"Yuri and Alexei are here to assist in the trials." She informed the red head. "Your first trial is to take on two opponents successfully."

The two men readied themselves two fight as did Natalia. They circled her, waiting for the best moment to strike. Natalia was eager to get this over, Yuri came at her first. She grabbed hold of him, using his momentum she swirled and threw him over at the piano. Alexei used that moment to his advantage to surprise her from behind and got her into a head lock that could have ended her life if this wasn't just a test. She struggled to break out of it as he held tightly onto her. A thought came into her mind during this, _what if I fail and they decide to wait?_ She tapped on Alexei's arm signaling she gives up, he lets go surprised at her action as she tries to catch her breath.

"Sloppy." She heard Madame B. state. "I'm still going to consider this a pass. I know you can do better than that Natalia." She knew in that moment no matter what she did that she was going to pass her. They have plans for her. "Next trial." She announced. Alexei and Yuri exited the room as Katya and Irina entered, they wore the same uniform as Natalia but their tops were a white/gray color. She wondered what they were doing there until they set up a shooting target on the wall and Irina handed her a gun.

"Hit your target twice in the head, switch hands and twice in the center of the target, switch again and fire another two shots just outside the center." Madame B. instructed. Natalia aimed the gun with her left hand, inhaling before she squeezed the trigger and as she exhaled she fired to shots to the head. Switched mid air to her right hand and fired the two shots quickly into the center, switched again and fired two shots just outside the center. It was too easy. This couldn't be the actual trial. Irina and Katya left the room to only reappear a moment later with a man with a burlap bag tied over his head. Natalia felt her stomach do a flip. The two girls plopped the man down onto a chair and tied him to it.

"Now, execute like you were trained to." She was ordered. Natalia hesitated to raise her weapon. She could feel Irina and Katya eyes on her as well as Madame B.'s. "Now Natalia." She heard her headmistress command.

"What if I can't do it?" Natalia asked, her hand unwillingly to move. "You will." She was assured. She raised her weapon and fired one shot to the man's head and fired a shot to the left upper quadrant of his torso. Both deadly and critical. The way the blood pooled and stained the burlap bag was burned into her head.

"Very good." Madame B. smiled at her. Natalia looked down at her hand that held the gun. It was still, not even shaking in the slightest. "You're made of marble, unbreakable." Madame B. beamed, she knew it was a compliment. The rest of the trial was more like an interview. Questions of what she would do at every step of a mission, what she would do if different situations arose, what weapons would she use, how she would extract her intel and get away unnoticed. She answered perfectly every question perfectly.

"Congratulations Natalia, you have passed every trial." Madame B. announced to her. "It is time for your graduation ceremony." Natalia felt her hands grown cold.

"It has to happen today?" She asked monotonously.

"Natalia, it is necessary. One less thing to worry about in the long run." Madame B. assured as she place a hand on her shoulder. "Come now, lets get it done and over with. You will need a day to recover and my superiors don't want to waste time. Natalia followed the older woman as she led her down to the other side of mansion towards the hospital wing. She brought her into an exam room where a nurse had her strip out of her clothes and into a thin gown. "Go ahead and lay back, we'll take you shortly." The blonde nurse informed her as she exited the room. The gurney she was laying on was cold and stiff beneath her. She felt exposed wearing only the gown and she felt the urge to run out of the room and never look back. This was it, the last real choice she would have left was being taken from her. The last door that could be closed is now being closed and they were locking and throwing out the key. Her heart began to race as two nurses came into the room and began wheeling her out of the room and down the green tiled corridor. They wheeled her into the operating room under a blinding light. They placed a mask over her face and she started to feel funny. Soon she slipped under, the last thing she saw was the doctor readying his instruments on the tray next to her.

Madame B. entered the operating room as soon as she was certain Natalia was put under. She had strict orders on that. "Doctor, they wanted me to inform you before you began that they don't her to undergo a hysterectomy but rather a tubal ligation. They plan on having her reproduce with worthy specimen when the time is right." She informed. "What about her menstrual cycles?" The doctor inquired. "Due to the physicality of her training they are very irregular rarely occur." She explained. "We'll tell her that due to minor complications she may experience unexpected bleeding." The doctor agreed. Natalia would never know that she wasn't actually sterilized. At least not until it was time to tell her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Note: THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M SO PLEASE BE AWARE.**

* * *

Natalia was finishing putting the last piece of furniture together as she wiped the sweat from her brow. It was a simple wooden chair that would go with her small dining table. She had tried hard to only pick practical but decent looking furniture. It had been a few weeks since she had graduated and as expected of someone who graduates, she moved out. Now, this wasn't all on her own. Everything was paid by her once school now employer, until she earned her own money that is. They started her out in a decent sized studio apartment. The walls were made of brick and had been painted over with white paint, hardwood floors, and two big windows on the wall that faced out to the street. As you entered there was a wall to your left and a bathroom to your right, it had pale green subway tiled walls that she oddly didn't mind and the floor tiles were white sleek squares that were quite slippery when wet. As you walked past the bathroom you were now standing in the space that was her bedroom, living room, kitchen, and dining room. To the right she had her double bed with it's metal frame and a night stand on each side with a small lamp and her alarm clock. Just west to her bed was a sort of walk in closet with her clothes handing and boxes of shoes stacked above them. In the middle of all this space was gray loveseat couch with a glass coffee table in front of it and a tv placed against the wall that separated her bathroom from the rest of the apartment. In the corner opposite of her bed was what served at the kitchen. It was just big enough to cook meals for herself with white cabinets with black counter tops. Her stove and refrigerator were black, her sink sat in front of one of the two big windows she had. Across from that is where she was planning on putting her square wooden table with it's matching chairs. Natalia felt exhausted as she had been building and unpacking since five in the morning and it was almost fourteen hours later. She finished her chair and moved onto setting her patterned area rug and adjusting her lamps to what she deemed acceptable. It felt refreshing to have a place that was her own private space. She felt a sense of freedom. It was had been nearly a month since she graduated and while she was uncertain at the time, she was now glad that this was what she got at the end.

After putting the finishing touches on a few things, Natalia decided it was time to take a shower. She took her time and made the water as hot as she wanted it and began washing her hair. She hummed to herself as she rinsed and conditioned, now washing the rest of her body. Natalia was enjoying the new freedom she had and hadn't noticed that someone had slipped in through her window and was now creeping towards the bathroom carefully, not needing to turn the door know for she had left it opened. They took careful and quiet steps towards the shower as the reached an arm out and yanked open the shower curtain startling the red head. She turned around, ready to fight but her defenses dropped and a look of annoyance crossed her face as she faced her "attacker".

"Don't do that!" She shrieked batting a hand at James who was bursting with laughter and delight at her surprise and anger. "I could have killed you." She pulled the curtain back and finished washing up.

"How did you even get in here?" She exclaimed as the warmth returned to her. James took a seat on the toilet before replying.

"I came in through the window and you wouldn't have killed me, I had the upper hand." He informed playfully. Natalia just rolled her eyes and turned off the water. She pulled back the curtain and grabbed one of the towels she had hanging and wrapped her hair up into it and used the second to wrap around her body. James was looking at himself in the mirror, examining a cut on his cheek.

"Where did you get that?" She inquired as she slathered lotion onto her body. James stepped back and looked over to her, trying to pretend that seeing her this exposed didn't phase him.

"My mission got a little messy. I'm actually supposed to report back tomorrow evening." Her green eyes met and locked with his blue eyes. "So I figured I'd stop by and see how the place came together." He shrugged, walking out of the bathroom. Natalia stood there, wrapping the towel tighter around her. Was he implying staying the night? Her heart suddenly skipped a beat. They haven't done that before. There was a lot they haven't done the more she thought about it. She walked out of the bathroom and entered the bigger living space. James had made himself comfortable on her new sofa and she walked into her closet and looked for some clothes to put on. The thought that James could potentially being staying the night made her more careful in what she picked. She slipped on a cream color laced camisole and blush satin panties that show a tasteful amount of cheek. She walked back out to go hang her towels back up. She could feel his gaze upon as she walked by. Natalia hung the towels up and grabbed the blow dryer to begin drying her hair. She ran the blower over the wet locks as she ran her fingers through to brush it out. James appeared and was leaning in the door frame, admiring her as she dried her hair. His eyes stayed on her the whole time while she tried to pretend she didn't care. Once her hair was dry enough, she set the hair dryer down and brushed out her mane.

"You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen." He grinned, Natalia blushed and smiled. "If I were to die right now while looking at you, I'd die happy." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh shut up." She went to swat at him and continued to brush her hair in the mirror. She could see James in the mirror as he stepped up behind her, placing a hand on either side of the counter in front of her while nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck. Her body filled with goosebumps as she felt his breath on the nape of her neck. She leaned into him, arching her back ever so slightly and he pressed further into her. He began kissing neck softly and kissed his way up to her ear and nibbling it tenderly. Natalia shuddered and let out a small moan as he continued on teasing her. She could feel his hips press harder against her, pushing her into the counter. She could also feel his growing excitement pressing into her. Her breathing got deeper and she could feel a burning inside of her stomach. Reaching a hand up, she cupped his face and brought his mouth to hers. Their kissing got deeper and hungrier as she rotated her body so they were facing each other. James picked her up by her thighs and she wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him as close as she physically could. He propped her on the sink as his hands busied themselves at the bottom of her camisole. His metal hand slid underneath and was sprawled against her bare back while his human hand slid under and glided up her side, his thumb gravitating towards her nipple. He traced it carefully and gently and it drove her crazy. She could feel her head lean back to allow him to move his mouth over her neck.

"Do you want to move this to the bed?" He asked breathlessly as he pulled away enough to see her face. His eyes looked dark and eager, it turned her on. Natalia nodded quickly as he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bed.

He laid her down softly on the bed as if she was made of glass. She propped herself up on her elbows as she watched him pull off his shirt, her eyes glued to his chiseled abs as he tossed his shirt to the side. He climbed upon her greeting her with a kiss. His metallic fingers sneaking back up her top but stopping, he broke their kiss.

"Talia...we don't have to do this if you don't want to." His voice was husky as he looked to her.

"I want to do this." She assured him as she pulled him back into her. James knew this would be her first time and she loved that he even asked her if this is what she wanted. Natalia wanted this and she wanted this specifically with him. She felt him slide her top up and over hear head leaving her exposed to him. He sat back on his knees, making sure to take in the sight before him before returning to her. He placed tender kisses along her clavicle before lowering his mouth to her right breast, taking her nipple into his mouth. He flicked his tongue over the rosy stub and sucked gently on it. She bucked her hips into him and moaned at the sensation. He moved his silver hand over her other breast and ran his thumb over her nipple making sure to give it attention as well. Natalia had never felt this much pleasure before and was it seemed even better knowing it was James giving it to her. She could feel him slide down her body and settle at her hips. She could feels kiss lips brush against her hips as he debated his next move. She wasn't sure what he was thinking about but she found her question being answered as he slowly began puling her panties down her legs. He discarded them to the side, returning to plant another kiss to her hip before moving to what lay just below. Natalia felt like nothing could be better than this until she felt his tongue between her legs. Her breath hitched in her throat as her body twitched in response. James ran his tongue up and down her slit, taking his time with her and giving her so much pleasure that she wasn't sure she could stand it. She hands baling into first in the blankets as she held on. She could feel her hips swaying, trying to get more of what he was giving, she could feel what felt like a finger slide inside her and then another as they slid in and out of her. James pulled away, kissing up her thigh before parting ways. He struggled to free himself from his pants and ended up kicking his way out of them. He got back onto the bed and placed himself between her legs, he was more than ready to do this but he hesitated and looked to her. Natalia nodded her consent, her eyes hungry and desperate for him. James readied himself at her entrance and slowly entered her. Natalia winced and held her breath as she felt him come in, she tried to exhale and to relax as he filled her. James leaned forward carefully and kissed her forehead, Natalia wrapped her arms around him as he slid further in and began to pull out slowly just to push himself back into her. Slow and steady was how he started until he felt her relax more beneath him before falling into a faster rhythm of thrusts. He held her petite body close to his, making sure she knew this was something they were sharing together. Natalia in turn wrapped her legs around him and returned his embrace. James knew this wouldn't end in her exploding in pleasure, so when he felt himself finish he kissed her deeply before pulling out of her and bringing her into his side.

They both laid there for awhile as they controlled their breathing. Natalia rolled onto his chest and he saw her face wear an expression he had never seen on her before. She looked scared and vulnerable and for a moment he thought maybe he had been too rough and hurt her. She placed a hand on his cheek, cupping it gently before she spoke.

"I love you." The words came out of her. He blinked a couple times almost not convinced he heard her right. "I love you James." She said again, more for herself than for him. He pulled her face into his, kissing her deeply and tenderly before pulling back to look her in the eye.

"I love you too Natalia." She smiled lightly and nuzzled back into his side. It was the first time they had slept in the same bed and it was the first time they both had a peaceful night's sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Natalia awoke in the middle of the night to James tossing and turning in his sleep. She sat up and looked over at him ,studying him with only the moonlight coming through the window shedding any light. He was sweating and his body twitched as he started mumbling.

_"No, I can't help it."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Please forgive me."_

_"I don't want to do this."_

Natalia reached over to place a hand on him to wake him from his terror. She shifted her weight in the bed to lean over to him. "Ja-" She was caught off by grabbing her by the neck with his metal hand, pinning her down on the bed with his other hand ready to hit. She made no sudden movements as she laid there. Looking upon his face she knew this wasn't James but rather the Winter Soldier. His eyes were empty of any familiarity towards her and his jaw was clenched as he stared down as he tried to determine if she was a threat or not. She could barely breathe under the weight of him and if she was honest with herself she was scared but hopeful that he would come to. She felt his hand start to tighten it's grip around her as he decided she was a threat. Natalia's hands flew to the chrome hand around her throat trying to pry it away as the force became stronger.

"You could at least recognize me." She let out hoarsely as she tried to struggle free. She managed to slip her leg up from under him and bring it up towards her and kicked him dead in the chest sending him off the bed. Sitting up, she inhaled a deep breath and quickly grabbed the alarm clock off her night stand just as James started to stand from the ground. Lunging at him with the alarm clock in hand, she bashed him on the side of the head with it and kept a safe distance as he grabbed his head.

James stood, still rubbing the spot where she hit him. He looked over to where she was standing on the other side of the bed, now holding a pistol cocked and pointed at him. A look of realization came over him and just like that James was back.

"Talia, I'm okay. I'm not going to hurt you I promise." He assured as he put his hands up. She scanned his face for any sign of the Winter Soldier lingering. His blue eyes were back to the normal, his face looked more relaxed than before. Despite her ready to shoot him that is. Natalia lowered the weapon and he let out a sigh of relief. "Did I do that? Natalia did I do that to you?" He asked panicked.

"Do what to me?" She asked confusedly. He gestured to her neck. "Your neck."

"Not on purpose, it wasn't you James." She said in hopes of comforting him, he turned from her and ran a hand over his face visibly upset by his actions. "James, it's okay. I'm okay." She stepped towards him

"That's not the point." He barked at her. She stopped her tracks. "I hurt you, I lost control of myself and I could have killed you Natalia." He was standing with his hands on hips, still angry with himself. They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity.

"What were you dreaming about?" She asked, finally breaking the silence. James sat at the foot of the bed and she joined him. She didn't try to touch him just yet.

James leaned forward rubbing his face and propping his elbows up on his knees. "My missions. One in particular that has stayed with me."

"What happened?" Her voice was just above a whisper. James looked over at her and she could tell something deep was plaguing him.

"He knew me." He stated. "I was sent to retrieve this super soldier serum and that involved killing the person who currently possessed it at the time. I took out the car and it crashed into a tree, I knew they weren't dead. So I approached the car and pulled the driver out tp finish the job. When he saw my face he called me Sergeant Barnes. He looked surprised to see me."

"Sergeant?" She raised a brow.

"I have these memories that come to me every now and again. But things don't make sense." He shook his head and sighed. "I have memories of New York, I know they aren't from a mission because some of the details make it seem like a lot longer ago. I get these flash backs sometimes when I'm on a rooftop locking in to shoot my target and suddenly I remember being dressed in a army uniform. I think I was American before all of this."

Natalia stifled a laugh. James turned to her and raised a brow at her. "What?"

"Think? On your accent when you speak other languages alone I _know_ you were American." She grinned playfully at him. He just rolled his eyes at her before pulling her into him and leaning back onto the bed. "Now lets get some sleep before you have to report back in the morning." She insisted before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"Alright, I'll try not to kill you this time I promise."

* * *

The girl on her grasp was about Natalia's age. She had black hair like her father who was tied to the chair in front of her. Alexei and Misha were interrogating him and roughing him up. His name was Ian Drakoff. He was a rich business man who made his way to the top by scamming and cheating others and he owed quite the debt to Natalia's bosses for helping put him at the top. A debt he has yet to repay and his time was up. The three of them had snuck into his mansion and brought Drakoff and his daughter into the study. They were the only ones home. His daughter had her hands tied behind her back, her feet were bound as well and Natalia gripped her by her black hair. She was crying and whimpering, her father was remaining stoic and hard headed.

"I already told you, I was told the rest debt was taken care of. They said it was no longer needed." Drakoff insisted. Misha and Alexei gave each other a look. Alexei nodded.

"Look, if you don't hold up your end of the bargain we will take something even bigger from you." Alexei threatened. Drakoff was black and blue and bloodied. He clearly didn't understand the depth of the threat.

"I can't use my business as a front for KGB operations. I can't be involved in that stuff, the stakes are too high." He stated.

"If you don't we will shoot your daughter right now." Misha interjected. Natalia could feel the girl start shaking as she cried harder.

"Please daddy, do what they say." She pleaded. Drakoff just chuckled and shook his head.

"They won't kill you Nina, they couldn't cover that up."

Misha and Alexei looked at each other once more. Misha turned to Natalia and nodded. With that she pulled her gun from her holster and pressed it to the girl's temple and squeezed the trigger. It was quick and easy. The girl's lifeless body fell forward as soon as Natalia let go of her. Drakoff started screaming and wailing.

"You monsters! That was my little girl! My only daughter!" He screamed as tears streamed from his eyes.

"I warned you." Alexei shrugged. "Natalia, gun." Natalia stepped over the body and placed the gun in Alexei's outreached hand. He took out a cloth and wiped the handle clean. "Now, what are you going to hold up your end of the deal?"

Drakoff spat at Alexei which made him smack him. "You son of a bitch." Just like that Alexei shot and killed the man.

"You idiot, we needed him!" Misha screamed at him. Natalia stood there and said nothing. Alexei could get a temper to him and while he had a loaded gun she wasn't going to argue with him. "Your mess you clean it up." Misha huffed and left the room. Alexei stood there with his hands on his hip sand let out an exasperated sigh. He looked over to Natalia who was still standing in silence.

"Well, looks like its just me and you cleaning this up." He stated. "Grab the girl and I'll grab him."

They had decided to lay the bodies out and place the gun in Drakoff's hand, making it look like a murder suicide. Alexei typed up a fake suicide letter on the type write that was in the room and they made sure there were no traces of them anywhere in the place before leaving. They three of them were in the jeep back to the mansion to report on the events of the night when Alexei spoke up.

"Good job Natalia, you did it without any hesitation." She just nodded. Natalia did execute without hesitation, she actually had no feeling bad or good about it. But something in her felt...well she couldn't describe it. Maybe it was because the girl was the same age as her. Maybe it was because she died because her father was too stubborn. She didn't know what it was but she thought it best not to dwell on it. Instead she shifted her attention to the conversation between Alexei and Misha. She heard them mention James.

"Yeah I heard it was pretty rough this time." Alexei commented.

"I had never seen him fight it so much before. I mean, it can't be great but last time they wiped memories from him he put up some small resistance." Misha exclaimed. "This was something else. He fought every step and even threw a couple guys. We had to sedate him and everything."

"You think something changed?" Alexei wondered aloud.

Misha just shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe. Maybe he has a memory he doesn't want to forget. What do you think Natalia? You've trained pretty closely with him in the past."

She pretended to seem uninterested. "Who knows, maybe he just had enough of it." She left it at that. They continued on their conversation while she stared out the window. All she could think about is when she sees him next that he might not remember some of their most recent times together. It was the only thing to ever make her heart ache was the though of him not knowing her. It was a possibility.

That night when she got ready to go to bed, she just laid there in the dark and stared at the ceiling. Her mind was racing with what ifs about her and James' future. Would they be found out? How long could they keep this going? What kind of ending were they hoping for? There was no way for them to have a normal life or do normal things. Now he's fighting them on wiping his memory. She's compromised him and she couldn't allow herself to do this to him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author note: I have been debating changing the name of this story. At the time I felt like it was title that would work but now it doesn't feel like it fits. My options for new names are the following listed below.**

**Undisclosed Desires**

**Unsteady**

**Unintended**

* * *

Sao Paulo. Her current mission has brought her here. To this hospital where she stood in a dimly lit locker room pulling on a set of gray scrubs. Pulling her hair up into a messy bun, she clipped her name badge onto her scrub top. She was posing as a nurse to get close to her target Benedict Birch. Birch posed a threat to the KGB she was told. He was the current leader of a gang out of London that was planning something big aimed at her employers. Her job was to take him so his gang would crumble and fall apart. He was a self made man and trusted no one enough to be let in on important business details or plans so take him out and they didn't stand a chance without him. Apparently he was here in Sao Paulo to meet with an arms dealer. His car was caught up in an accident and now he was here. 50 feet away from her on this hospital unit for cracked ribs and a potential pulmonary embolism. Her name today was Ana Silva and she was a travel nurse. Today was her first day and she studied enough resources to educate her on basic nursing things.

Once fully dressed she stepped out of the locker room and into the brightly lit hallway. She walked through the double doors into the chaos that was nursing. The rooms were decent sized and had glass sliding doors with curtains that could be drawn for more privacy. The nursing station was situated right in the center of it all and it was busy with phones ringing and nurses running around looking for charts or meds their patients were pestering them for. Natalia walked up to the counter and pulled the chart of Birch and skimmed over it. His meds were going to be due soon and it looks like he was getting Norco for the pain and a heparin shot for the blood clot they had found in his leg. Easy enough. She put the chart back down and walked towards the med room where she scanned her badge to gain entry. She carefully pulled the right drugs and doses needed for her patient. It would be easy to overdose him and that was what her bosses advised against. They wanted him killed and confirmed dead. Looking at Natalia you would never know the amount of weapons she had hidden on her person. A knife strapped to her ankle, a gun strapped to the other, a scalpel tucked away in her scrub pocket. A pair of surgical scissors tucked away in her pant pocket.

Once she had her meds she made her way out of the med room and towards the room where two rather in shape men stood dressed in business casual attire. She smiled at them and held up the meds to show them her reason for coming over. One of the men stepped aside and pulled the sliding door open for her. Birch was listed as a completely private patient. No visitors and no unauthorized personnel permitted in his room. As she entered the room, she noted he was sleeping still. She eyed him carefully as she set the meds on the counter by the sink. She had to be careful about how she executed her plan. He had to men stationed outside and she didn't put it pass him to not have more on stand by somewhere. She was instructed to do this task by any means. casualties or no casualties. She mentally took note of the oxygen source on the wall. The manual blood pressure cuff hanging as well. The IV tubing was rather long and she could strangle him with that. No. It would snap too easily and strangling would take too much time.

"Mr. Birch, good morning." She said loud enough to wake up him. "I have your Norco and heparin shot for you." She informed him. He just nodded at her and yawned. He was at least in his later forties with dark hair and was actually rather attractive.

"What's the heparin for again?" He asked once he was done yawning. She brought him the pain pill and had the syringe in the other hand. He took the pill and grabbed the water off his side table to was it down.

"The heparin is a blood thinner to help with that blood clot they found in your leg. We don't want it to travel." She explained. "It's a small injection that goes into your belly."

"Well, lets get it over with then." He sighed and lifted his hospital gown up and exposed his stomach to her. He was quite fit for his age. Natalia drew an alcohol swab from her pocket and opened it to clean the site.

"Just a quick pinch, okay?" She smiled politely. His eyes met hers and she felt them linger on her as she looked down and pinched a little fat and injected the medication. She pulled the needle out and turned to dispose of the needle in the sharps box on the wall. She could feel his eyes looking her over.

"Now don't take offense to this, but you are probably the only person around here I have seen pull of those scrubs." He complimented. Natalia turned around and pretended to be flattered by his words.

"Thanks, I do yoga." She pulled her stethoscope from around her neck. "I just gotta take a quick listen to your lungs." She came to the side of the bed and unbuttoned the top of his gown to listen to his chest. "Sounds good, now your back." He leaned forward for her as she pressed the stethoscope to him to listen. She was debating the best way to do this. She didn't want to waste any time. "Okay, just going to feel your lymph nodes."

She was in front of him leaning forward to feel his lymph nodes, she could feel his eyes on her chest which was annoying to say the least. Men were too easily distracted. She placed he hands in the position she needed them to be. "Hmm."

"What is it?" He inquired curiously.

"Oh, its just your neck seems really tense. Like something is straining." She lied. "Why don't you let me massage it, it will feel a lot better. You probably strained something in the accident."

"Sure, that would be great." He agreed almost too eagerly. She mentally rolled her eyes. "You could do a little more if you want." He winked at her.

"Now Mr. Birch, behave yourself." She giggled in a flirty way. She pretended to massage his neck as he moaned slightly at her touch. She tried to ignore his growing excitement in his lap. Disgusting. Once her hands were in the right position that was it. One quick jerk. Snap. Target hit. She leaned him back in the bed and tucked the covers back over him so it didn't look obvious immediately. She walked out quickly and swiftly from the room and smiled at the guards at the door. Much to her dismay, they entered the room as she left. She tried to keep a calm composure but she knew it would end in a fight. It always ends in a fight. She bent down to pretend to tie her shoe.

"Hey! Grab that nurse!" She heard one of the guards yell. Here we go. She stood quickly as staff began to react to the commotion. She had pulled the knife from its hiding spot on her ankle and threw it, hitting the one guard square in the chest. The second man came from the room and slid the door and curtain open wide demanding them to save his boss. He pulled a gun as he saw his colleague slump to the ground. Natalia took cover behind the nurse's station as he fired some shots in her direction. Chaos ensued and she could hear a page overhead asking security to come to the unit she was on stat. People were screaming and seeking cover. Nurses were pulling other patient rooms door closed and some hid with the patients. She stood quickly and fired a shot at the guard and rolled over the counter to put more distance between them. She heard two more shots be fired as she sprung back to her feet and ran towards the double doors. Natalia turned back and with a clear path ahead fired one single shot at the wall in Birch's room hitting the oxygen source on the wall. A small explosion occurred as she booked it down the nearest stairwell. She could hear fire alarms start going off as the over head speaker warned of a red alert.

Racing down the stairs she finally found the stairs infiltrated by other people running to safety. She blended in perfectly. As soon as she reached ground level she pushed pass the crowd to get outside. People were everywhere and fire trucks were pulling up in front of the building. She noticed the valet attendant was distracted by the scene at hand she slyly jumped into the car he left running. Driving away she heard a loud boom. In the rearview mirror she could see blown out windows with flames bursting out. She kept driving. Her safe house wasn't too far away and she needed to let her bosses know the mission was completed.

* * *

Natalia arrived back her apartment around 2 am and felt exhausted form her travels. 80 people had perished in the fire and it was making news. Luckily for her, anyone who could place her at the scene were taken care of by the fire. No witnesses to identify her. She dropped her bag at the door as she came in and instantly went for the shower. Airplanes made her feel gross every time. She turned the knobs and began running the hot water and evened it out with some cold water. Undressing and letting her hair down from the bun she left it in and stepping into the shower. She must have stood there for thirty minutes just taking in the heat. It felt good over limbs, she felt so cramped on the plane ride home.

After drying off and going through her night routine, it was roughly 3 am and she just laid in bed unable to sleep. She felt hot for unknow reasons even though she wore an oversized t-shirt and just underwear. Her next mission wouldn't be for a few more days and she was thinking about how to spend her few days off. She liked to keep busy. She had a skill set and she liked to use it. They had wasted no time sending her out on her own to do their work. Her first mission was posing as a dancer at a strip club. She had to get close to a CEO and his buddies and to collect intel on major plans involving an underground drug ring. Half of the time she didn't concern herself with why the KGB needed the information they needed. She just did as she was told and asked no questions. It was better that way. It had been quite the few months with these missions and she proved to them all that she was more than a pretty face. She was a pretty face that could draw her prey in and kill them without them even knowing it was on her agenda.

Her mind went back to a senator she was sent out to kill. She made it look like an accident like she was supposed to. She met him at a gala, her cover was that she was a young socialite. Daughter of a millionaire that liked to send her in his place to events he couldn't make. The senator of course thought she was just a young and dumb pretty girl. She let him believe that. So when he offered to come to his place for drinks she accepted. She let him believe that she was interested in an older man like him and his dated views on the world. When it came time to do the deed with him, the drug she placed in his drink when he wasn't looking took effect. The medical examiner said it was a heart attack. It wasn't but they didn't need to know that. The undressed him and placed a drugged up prostitute in his bed. She of course would have no recollection of how she got their and that was the idea.

Their were one or two missions where she had to go further than she ideally wanted to with her targets. Sleeping with them was part of the job sometimes to gain a trust in order to finish out the plan. She tried not to think about it. James never asked her about it either. She was enhanced on purpose so they could utilize her as long as they could. Sometimes it made her feel dirty though, but she just pushed those thoughts out of her head and tried to think about her nights with James.

James.

Lately it had been hard to think about him. He was becoming more and more resistant to the memory wiping. There was talk of throwing him back in cryo. She couldn't let that happen to him. If they were found out they would be killed. Feelings like what they had for each other wasn't allowed nor was it supposed to be possible. It was supposed to be conditioned out of her. No attachments to anyone or anything. _Maybe I should end this._ She often thought. She loved him but she couldn't risk his life for childish and selfish things. She sighed and rubbed her face. A knock at her window pulled her from her thoughts and within seconds she was on her feet, gun drawn and pointed at the window.

A wave of relief came over her as she saw the silver hand in the moonlight. She set the gun down and walked over to the window to let James in. He was dressed in jeans and a hooded jacket and baseball cap. He climbed through the window and stood before her, he removed his hood and hat and embraced her. She returned the embrace before stepping back and folding her arms over her chest.

"What are you doing here?" She whispered. "I thought you were supposed to be in Germany."

"Well things moved a little quicker than expected." He explained and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Whenever he kissed her cheek or her forehead it always gave her this warm feeling. She kept her arms folded across her chest and it didn't go unnoticed by him. "What is it?"

She could feel his blue eyes on her as she looked down at the ground. "I heard you have been more combative lately when it comes to...you know."

"Well you would be too if you went through it too." He defended. She looked up at him and chewed her lip. Debating if she should say what's on her mind. "Just say it Natalia."

"Maybe we should end this." She said flatly. Silence. Neither one made a move or said a word for what felt like hours.

"What do you mean?" He asked, furrowing his brow in disbelief.

"I mean that maybe we should stop what we are doing." She explained. "I'm going to be the death of you if they find out and I have a feeling they will."

"Natalia, they would never find out. They wipe my memory so often that if it weren't for you I wouldn't even remember some of the things we've shared together." He wasn't taking her seriously. It irritated her.

"James, this is a dangerous game we're playing." She tried to reason with him. "They would kill us and I love you too much to be the death of you."

He cupped her cheek in his hand, she wasn't aware a tear had fallen from her eye until she felt his thumb wiped it away. She looked into his blue eyes and felt pang of pain in her heart. She wanted him more than anything, the only thing she would protect with her life was him. "Talia, I love you. I have always loved you and I will love you even if I can't remember you."

"It's not that I want to do this..." She tried to explain but her throat felt tight. "I would rather love each other from a distance than love you without you on this Earth."

He nodded and pulled her into him. She felt tears stream down her face as she buried her face into his chest. Her arms were wrapped around him so tight she knew they would be sore tomorrow.

"I'll do this for you. But just know that you can't smother these feelings Natalia. This isn't something you can push underground and stop from screaming out." He said as he ran a hand through her hair.

"Our time is running out James, we don't have a choice." She cried. "One day, something will slip and that will be the end of you or me or both of us."

He pulled away just enough to look down at her. His eyes had a saddened look she had never seen before. It killed her to do this but she needed him in this world alive. She reached up and brought him down into a long kiss. She could feel his hand on the back of her neck as his other hand wrapped around her waist. She could live in this kiss forever she thought as she wrapped her arms around his neck. That was the only indication they needed to know this kiss wasn't going to just be a kiss. Natalia pulled him down onto the bed on top of her and he followed effortlessly. He never broke their kiss as he kicked off his shoes and shed his jacket. She pulled off his shirt and started working on unbuttoning his pants. They became a mess of limbs. His hands were running over her body undressing her as she did the same to him. She scooted up towards the top of the bed and he followed her up kissing a trail up her body and eventually made his back to her lips. He placed himself between her legs and before she knew it he was inside of her. They fit together like tow puzzle pieces meant to be put together. She pulled him close as he thrusted into her slow and steady, making every moment last.

Natalia rolled them over so she was on top of him straddling his lap. James sat himself up so he could kiss her more as she rode him. They embraced as she rocked against him. She never wanted to leave his arms. His lips moved to her neck as he teased kisses down it and across her collar bone, Goosebumps ran up and down her body as he moved his mouth to her breast and took her nipple in mouth flicking it softly with his tongue and teasing it with his teeth. Her hips began to buck against him harder and faster as the sensation she was feeling grew more intense. James grabbed onto her tightly as he did the same as she started to cry out. As she fell over the edge he did shortly after. She slumped against him and he held her, rubbing her back as he hummed a tune that had to be older. She felt him press a kiss to her temple as she fell asleep.

When she awoke it was almost noon and the sun was peering into her window. She sat up as the covers that were draped across her fell down. She looked around her apartment and realized she was alone. In more ways than just one. She brought her knees up to her chest and let herself cry. It was for the best she kept reminding herself. It was for the best.


End file.
